auto-bailout With this year’s annual school chest drawing to a close, stucco president Alec Weiser made a drastic, last minute change. Change we can believe in. Change for the people who need it most of all: Detroit autoworkers. Or even worse, Detroit Lion fans.

Alec rosily declared, “Due to the many great fundraising techniques we used this year, such as Stop the Bop, which basically equates to auditory torture, we have raised a substantial sum. Definitely more than Ford made this fiscal quarter. I have therefore decided that Student Council will donate their earnings to fund a full scale auto industry bail out.”

Detroit’s new, fully legitimate mayor was near tears when he heard the news. As he answered the final phone call, one Flipside translator could make out, “You don’t know how much of a difference your money will make. Those coupon books can allow us to continue production of gas guzzling, slow accelerating cars. American cars.”

General Motors also had a few words to share. They put some of their extra profit together and gave DHS a check for negative $350,000 as a token of their appreciation. One GM president Ima LivinInThePast stated, “It’s the most we can give you. Unless you want some used airbags.”

Surprisingly, Camp Heartland was not that upset. A local rep was heard to have said, “In all honesty, I think Detroit needs more help then we do.”

No matter the cause, student council continued their tradition of getting money from you in every humanely way possible. From lollipops to balloon popping, school chest creatively acquired your spare change. This Flipside reporter only hopes that next year they fund a charity called “Sam’s Life,” where all the money goes to Sam.

1. Selling organs

2. The all inclusive “Guilt Trip”

3. Social Studies Department “Multiple Choice Answers” sale

4. Ultra addictive nicotine laced pizza.

5. Entrance fee to get into school

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