turkey I just have so many things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving time. First, I am thankful for the mass slaughter of my brethren and sisteren so you filthy humans can overeat, adding to your already ridiculous obesity problem. It just makes my gobble shrivel up in anger thinking about a fat American over indulging on my second cousin’s thigh. I knew that thigh; it was Yorik’s thigh, the turkey who loved Shakespeare.

Secondly, I am thankful for Fox. They make a mockery of Turkey’s during the Thanksgiving football game when John Madden, who has eaten plenty of my friends, gives away the game “turkey leg.” Oh well, at least I get to watch such highly competitive teams like the Lions play football on Thanksgiving.

Thirdly, I am thankful for reverting back to elementary turkey writing by using a long series of lists.

Fourthly, I am thankful for stuffing. As if there were not enough ways to complete the annual turkey genocide, now we can eat every part of my edible body. From turkey soup to fried turkey gizzard, Thanksgiving is one party I cannot wait for. Oh goody, it looks like the nice man with the big butcher knife can’t wait to spend Thanksgiving with me either. Goodbye. I hope I give you all terrible, terrible diarrhea.

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