By Flagstaff Roberts

DEERFIELD, IL–In what has been a real tizzy for the Deerfield High School community, the Deans have successfully uncovered several longstanding mysteries in this small suburban town.

After working on the trivial case of teen drinking, the deans discovered many more pressing issues for the community. First, they set their eyes on the unresolved murder mystery of Groucho van Delliose.

The deans began browsing Facebook tirelessly, searching for clues in the entire Deerfield network. “We were determined,” said one dean. “We could not let this case slip by our fingertips.”

They proceeded to uncover all of the slightest details that they could, such as his favorite books and movies–these were all crucial to the overall case. Luckily, they made a breakthrough as they spotted a clear picture of a man with a gun shooting Delliose, and he was promptly identified and arrested.

“Facebook really gave us all of the information for this project,” said one of the members involved. “I know they guarantee privacy and everything, but that is really just a bunch of PR jazz.”

However, on their way, the deans picked up some other extraneous, but helpful information. They discovered the unknown affair between Carl Izzo and Kate Friedland. Kate had been dating her boyfriend Joe Heliban for around a month now, and they were “in a relationship on Facebook.”

The deans were pleasantly surprised on their finding: “The relationship status said one thing, but that picture definitely said another. There was no mistaking that smooching for anything else but a bona fide affair.”

The administration proceeded to call in the three involved to set up mediation and counseling. All the problems were then speedily straightened out. The Kate-Joe couple is now back together and ecstatic: “How could I thank them any more?” said Kate. “The deans saved my relationship.”

But this was not all. The deans have been busy saving this school and the community one case at a time. This one, seemingly minor, is arguable the most horrific. Just yesterday, the deans discovered the Facebook profile of Bobby Eckerman, a seemingly innocent sophomore. But they looked again at his favorite music; this innocuous teen listed 98 Degrees, Christina Aguilera, and Creed; along with such terrifying bands as the Spice Girls and the Dixie Chicks. This student was promptly and hastily punished and dealt with.

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