By Timpani Timmy

AKRON, OH—A local plumber’s assistant and devout “lifter” who happens to share the name Chuck Norris with the infamous booty-kicker and movie star is taking advantage of the recent trend of “Chuck Norris Jokes.” It has come to the point where he literally thinks he is the second leading cause of death in the United States and believes he has a fist for a chin.

“He has really been taking those jokes to heart,” says Burt Stutts, a longtime friend and crony down at the gym. “On more than one occasion, he has forced someone to tell the jokes as he leans back and closes his eyes in a state of proud bliss.”

Many friends have also noted that this Chuck Norris has been getting offended at the use of the term “joke” to describe what he calls his “obvious virtues.” The man’s family is displaying a sense of worry now as well. “Whenever we watch Walker, Texas Ranger reruns now he complains about the supposed “lack of realism” and how they are “portraying him as a softie.”

“We’ve tried to bring him to therapy,” continued his brother, “but he refuses to go because he thinks therapy should be called Chuck Norris and it should consist of him showing off his abs to millions of adoring fans.”

As for now, his friends and family are beginning to get used to his extremely misguided arrogance and brand spankin’ new beard, because as he often says while basking in his own cleverness, “This Chucktatorship is going nowhere.”

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