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Earthworks Cuts Down Trees For Flyers


By Harvey Harvest

DEERFIELD, IL—There is discontent around the friendly confines of Deerfield High School. Earthworks, the after-school club concerned with environmentalism and actively saving our planet, has been exposed.

This angelic club is not what we once thought it was. They have been participating in a worldwide scam of environmental clubs. “We once thought they were harmless, but this is not the case,” says EPA head Sam Inspeck. “They have been advertising their good deeds for decades. And how do they advertise? With paper. Paper from trees that they cut down together in their evil anti-environment rituals.”

“This is true,” said longtime Earthworks member Evan Cohen. “But the point is, when we cut down trees, it is with good intentions. We don’t poison them first and defame them, like they do in other environmental clubs. We just cut them down with axes.”

“This is part of the fun of Earthworks,” reports an anonymous member. “It is kind of the big secret that no one knows. But now that everyone knows, well, I guess it doesn’t matter then.”

“This Earthworks scandal is part of a larger epidemic,” says Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton. “We need to stop thinking about ourselves and how we can cut down trees and start thinking about how to help others cut down trees.”

Deerfield Village Officials have looked more closely into the scandal and have decided that it wasn’t worth pursuing. “Basically,” said the treasurer, “the trees aren’t the ones paying the taxes. And until they do, I say: Earthworks, cut down those trees to advertise your environmentalist values.”

Earthworks is doing all they can to help destroy and save the environment simultaneously. “The two really go hand in hand,” says vocal member Evan Cohen. “If we need to advertise for environmentalism and happen to cut down a few trees in the process, so be it.”

This no-nonsense attitude has attracted a whole new array of members to Earthworks. “This new publicity is great for us,” says a member. “Who knows where we will go from here.”

December 15, 2008

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