BY VLAD VILSENT
If there is one person whom I envy, any one person, it would have to be a great person. I’m pretty full of myself and therefore I think I rock already, so to envy someone, it is big news to me. But the person, well thing, whom I envy the most, is my old, senile dog. He rocks.
A Day In the Life Of My Old Senile Dog
5:24 AM Run into my room and roll on the ground growling. Perhaps he hates my carpet. He hates it so much, that he is will to sit there barking at it for twenty minutes, even when I throw my pillow at him. That is dedication.
5:44 AM While he’s in the neighborhood, he might has well use his front paws to drag himself across the ground outside my room to clean his backside. My vet says he is cleaning his anal glands. To much mucus there. Now that is good hygiene.
5:50 AM Sleep on back occasionally twitching hind leg.
7:06 AM my dad whistles to tell my dog it’s time to go out, and my half-deaf dog sleeps.
7:06:15 AM another whistle. Again, no response.
7:06:24 AM I throw my pillow at him to wake him
7:07 AM he walks around the block with my Father, Dr, His Honor, Dearest ®
7:30 AM he gets back from his walk and sleeps underneath the window sill where the heating vent is. As far as I can tell, he remains there until I get back from school.
4:20 PM he is let out to the backyard where he will bark at airplanes. My dog gets kinda ticked at things flying less then 30,000 feet above our house.
6:30 PM there are six people in my family. At dinner, all six of us feel a need to slip our dog table scraps. Free food. Also at dinner, it is a hobby for my dog to play, “Steal the Seat Of the Human That Gets Up.” He usually wins. To get seconds, one needs to barb-wire their chair.
6:53 PM he licks the crumbs off of the floor that my younger sister drops
6:55 PM he vomits the crumbs off of the floor that my younger sister drops
7:10 PM sleep on my homework as a way to say, “screw you, I’m old, but can still win”
7:12 PM I must lore my dog away from my French work by giving more food. He prefers dried salami as a lore.
7:14 PM throws up dried salami. Then, the boy who gave him the salami must clean it. Again, “screw you, I’m old, but can still win.” He is good.
7:15 PM drinks from the toilet to get rid of the bad taste of blown chunks (irony?)
7:16-10:00 PM he attempts to bite off his own tail until my dad leashes his for his last walk of the day.
10:30-5:24 he sleeps
Please, tell me this animal is not the greatest hero. He totally rocks. He probably gets about fifteen hours of sleep a day. He gets good exercise and is good to commitment. The best part is, he doesn’t take any guff from anybody (you dirty airplanes!). I think we can all say, it’s a dog’s life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to bite my tail off.