By Hudy Serotta
St. Alfonzo, MN–8 1/4-year-old Jimmy O’Toole astonished the world on Thursday with his discovery that, contrary to popular belief, clouds are not a mass coalescence of water molecules, but in fact cotton candy (a mass coalescence of sugar and carcinogens). When asked about the data on which he bases his fantastic new hypothesis, Jimmy had this to say: “For one thing,” he said, raising a pudgy, pudding-stained finger, “they look the same. For another, they smell the same…from a distance.” Shortly after the prodigy of Mrs. Fitzhugh’s third grade class revealed his new hypothesis, the American Association of Meteorologists called a meeting and issued their own statement. The statement read, “That seems as reasonable as anything we could have come up with.” The same afternoon as the revelation in St. Alfonzo, the ADADAR (American Dental Association for Dentistry (And Redundancy)) flexed their muscles in Washington where they pressured President Obama to reinstate the ban on clouds. Millard Fillmore banned them in 1851, but the Act was repealed as part of the Compromise of 1877. The ADADAR estimates that clouds must be responsible for at least 80% of all tooth decay in the United States, and probably diabetes, too. When asked what he planned to do now that he had revolutionized science, the brooding genius replied that he has ambitions of joining the race for the Republican Presidential Nomination.
