By this point, I’m pretty sure everyone north of Chicago knows that District 113 is on the economic naughty list with its “structural budget deficit.” The community is very disappointed. As much as I’d love to chalk this up to the obvious—spectacular administrative failure—further investigation by the Flipside Select Committee has determined that the real perpetrators behind the disappearing budget is actually the DHS Student Council. GASP!

After interviewing the alumni of the elite institution, we are convinced the only reason someone would willingly inject themselves into the political circus would be for the seductive snacks. As such, the student leadership there must draw in uncorrupted blood with promises of nourishment before school starts. However, where do you think they get the money for all their morning treats? Our investigation—digging through the garbage bins that they fill with their delicious little bribes—reveals they’ve been sapping District 113’s budget since as early as 2019. Their seemingly emptied candy wrappers and donut containers are, in fact, filled with avarice and embezzlement. And to think Earthworks has to pick up after this garbage every week!

William M. “Boss” Tweed, infamous Tammany Hall politician who embezzled millions from New York City, has been elected President of Student Council.

We must demand serious restructurings of this corrupted institution to ensure this kind of budget mismanagement never happens again. Just last month, the Council voted to cut our budget, mumbling something about “unethical reporting” and whatnot. Why? Because our illegal wire tap was inches away from discovering their money laundering operation. We would like to remind them that the only “unethical” thing in our school has been their purchase of a “wicked party yacht” with the district’s generous funding—and your taxpayer dollars!

Here at the Flipside, we are committed to giving an unbiased student perspective on the situations around our community, and part of that duty includes calling out corruption when it happens. Every moment we hesitate to act, Mr. Comerford is closer to being usurped by some self-serving parvenus. We promise the Flipside harbors no ill-intentions towards the individual members of Student Council, we just simply disagree with their overpriced “crowdfunding” efforts. That said, we might be persuaded to overlook all of this if, hmm…a seat on the Council were offered?

Yaokai Yang
+ posts
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