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What Not to be Thankful for

PLYMOUTH – With the holiday season upon us, it can be all too easy to get caught up in the Thanksgiving hysteria of being forced to be thankful. So this Thanksgiving, don’t forget to step back from it all and take an honest look at all the things you could really live without this year. We hope you’ll join us in celebrating November 27, the day after Thanksgiving, as the first annual Flipside sponsored Thankswithholding Day. It’s a chance to get back to our pre-1621 American heritage and openly complain about things. Ah, the early pioneers would be proud. To help you along, here’s a list of 4 things to be ungrateful for this Thankswithholding.

Family

What would Thanksgiving be without family? Well, for one, you wouldn’t have to listen to your Uncle Jim describe the fungal infection on his foot in graphic detail while at the dinner table. And maybe you wouldn’t be relegated to the kiddie table again because, as you’re beginning to realize, no matter how old you get, you’ll never catch up to your older cousins.

Food

Though you may say you enjoy all the food on the Thanksgiving table, when was the last time during the rest of the year that you actually asked for cranberries or cornbread? Yeah. That’s what we thought. And sure, Thanksgiving dinner may be nice, but what did you eat for breakfast that day? Probably some expired yogurt you found in the back of the fridge because the dinner food requires all day and a small army to prepare. Instead, on the day after, treat yourself to a nice breakfast at McDonald’s, the official sponsor of Thankswithholding.

Shameless School Chest Plugs

Man, don’t you just hate when Student Council people remind you that 50% of sales at Chipotle on December 2 go to School Chest, or to sign up for the Run for Change 5k on December 5, or to come to Deerfield Idol on December 9? Or when they tell you to like “School Chest 2015” on Facebook or to text “@gippcc” to 81010 for School Chest updates on your phone? It’s madness. Like, did I really need to know that the Buffalo Wild Wings food sale is December 4 or that the Portillo’s food sale is December 11 or that I can buy a convenient Punch Card valid for all food sales for $20 or $40 on RevTrak? Thanks a lot, Student Council.

The Flipside

What kind of satirical, one-page, bi-weekly newspaper thinks that it should have some say over how you spend your holidays? Yeah, this one. This Thankswithholding, make sure you remind yourself of all the times you were fooled by the fake headlines, when you gave up on the seemingly impossible sudoku after writing in just a few half-hearted numbers, all the times you were insulted by our insensitive treatment of fictional administrators and beavers. And besides, it doesn’t matter whether or not anyone reads this. We still get paid $12 million per issue to publish this as part of Putin’s plan to recapture America. I mean, what? Quick, cue the puzzles!

November 29, 2015

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