Choosing to live in the ventilation system of Deerfield High School was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. Not only is it snug, cozy, and warm, but making a home in the vents allows me to never leave this wonderful place we call DHS. I don’t think the stale air has affected me in the slightest. I hardly even feel schizophrenic.

And it hasn’t changed anything at the Flipside either. We’re still here pounding the pavement 9-5 everyday looking for the latest in news, whether it’s in the disused bathrooms of M-Hall or the swamps in the Back 40. We’re the original No Funny Business News.™ So without further ado, let me introduce you to all the new things you need to know this year at DHS.

First, to our lovely Freshmen, the tender buds of our glorious educational spring, welcome to the place you will call home for the next four years. This piece of paper you are holding is the Flipside. Hold it, cherish it, and be sure to read it using only the technique prescribed in Section IV subsection III of your student handbook. This will one day save your life.

To all of our upperclassmen, as well as those who would like to think they are, welcome back to another exciting year of fun. Before you venture out, a few reminders about some new developments that have occurred in and around the school. The mold growing on the walls of the aquatic center and has gained sentience and is demanding voting rights, the tumbleweed in E-Hall is now big enough to crush a car, and anyone attempting to enter the new security checkpoints will be detained for a 4-6 week quarantine to isolate any possible Ebola virus. Should be fun stuff.

A bulletin about this year’s homecoming football game: while we appreciated your enthusiasm during last year’s matchup, we here at the Flipside would like to make public the knowledge that students should be rooting for the team wearing RED. Last year’s confusion was an honest mistake, but the student body needs to set the right mood this year before the marching band plays their rendition of “Call me Maybe.”

Also, class colors are now Black, Charcoal, Midnight, and Dark Black. Please make changes accordingly.

In addition, my sources are reporting that you can now add money to your student ID directly online. No word yet, however, if it allows money transfers from off-shore, double tax-exempt Swiss bank accounts. I sure hope so, or else a lot of us are going to be starving until we get home for our snack of caviar and gruyere.

And what about the Flipside, you may ask. Well, creepily inquisitive reader, I for one promise that I won’t be turning the Flipside into an overly narcissistic, hardly-benevolent dictatorship. I mean, what in the world kind of editor would give himself half a page in his first issue? Not this one. If you take a ruler and measure you can see I’m only taking up a measly 45%.

But alas, I must bid you farewell for now. Today I will retreat back into my home within the walls of this building and relax with a soothing cup of tea. It’s a bit exciting being able to watch a year of school play out from the comfor of my duct domicile. I’m always watching you know, and if you get lucky, I might even poke my head out of a vent to say hi/breathe.

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