On Tuesday the 13th a message was sent out to the homes of all Deerfieldians from city hall telling all residents that their water was contaminated with fecal coliform. It appeared that even water, an American staple, was no longer safe. For two whole days, the great people of Deerfield were forced to bear the inconvenience of boiling their own water, just like the Ugandan peasants. Although Deerfield’s state-of-the-art poop detecting technology has confirmed that the water is now clean, one question remains. Who pooped in the water?

Senior Technician at Deerfield’s Water Plant, Danny Janowski had this to say about the mystery pooper: “ I was doing the morning shift. I left the main reservoir for five minutes so I could grab a snack. When I was upstairs, an alarm started to ring from the main reservoir. It was a code brown.” He later went on to describe the incident as “Deerfield’s second most dangerous poop related catastrophe in the past twenty years.

After many tests, it was revealed that the cause for the meltdown was a lone turd.

As per usual, the top suspects were Deerfield’s homeless people. Both of them were called into questioning. After hours of interrogation, both suspects were proven innocent.

Policeman Thomas Powers had this to tell us about the presumed guilty men. “Sadly, both of them had rock hard alibis. The GPS trackers implanted on their necks proved that on Tuesday one of the homeless men was taking his poops in the Barnes and Noble, and the other one was taking his poops behind the library.

When asked if the police had made any progress, Mr. Powers stated that “At this time it appears that we can only rule out the female population because girls don’t do that.

Last night, a letter was dropped off at the Flipside office stating the following:

“I see this town has noticed my little accident. So sorry. Sometimes I just can’t contain myself. Te-he-he-he-he. However, I hope you know that I am not a “one trick pony.” I am capable of pooing in all sorts of places. In fact, I already have my next visit marked on my calendar. On the 30th of August I will strike again. Where, you might ask. Well, that’s is for me to know and for you to find out. Tootle-loo for now.
Love, The Mystery Pooper”

And so it appears that the “Mystery Pooper” is still at large. Who knows where he will strike again. What will be the second Deerfield Institution targeted by this criminal on the 30th? The park? The restaurants and stores in Uptown Deerfield? The other park? Only time can tell.

It is recommended that Deerfieldites lock their doors “firmly” at night. On the 30th, the police have mandated a six o’ clock curfew. Flipside wishes a safe and cautious back-to-school experience. Good luck and God Bless.

 

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