In a tragically odd turn of events this week, administrators have expressed concern that security camera 7 has been doing nothing but taking selfies this entire school year. The security camera, which was installed over the summer, has disappointed the administration with its lack of maturity and professionalism on the job. The pictures in question were discovered when the school reviewed the security footage of the lunchroom in order to ensure that students were respecting each other’s privacy.
“I went into the database expecting to see footage of our cafeteria functioning as usual,” an anonymous member of the DHS security team said, “what I found was the most disturbing gallery of poorly lit, high-angle, duckfaced selfies in the history of Deerfield High School. And that includes Dean Chamberlain’s profile pics.”
The pictures came as a shock to DHS security officials, who say that this is the worst instance of security equipment misconduct since the front desk went missing for an entire week back in 1986.
A quick search of the internet revealed that the camera had been spreading its photos to every social media site known to man, as well as Google+. “The camera single-handedly crashed the servers of twitter, instagram, and pinterest with its sepia toned, distasteful, excessively hashtagged photography,” said Ethel Greenstein-Shapiro, our resident social media expert. “And let’s not even discuss the snapchats we’ve received,” she added.
After discovering the camera’s selfies, a further investigation conducted by the school turned up even more evidence of misconduct. A diagnostic survey of the school detected abnormal levels of mocha frappuccino in the ventilation network. At the same time, investigators discovered trace amounts of pumpkin spice and caramel in the school’s electrical system.
In a newsletter to parents, school administrators attempted to quell parents’ fears that the security cameras were doing an inadequate job. “Parents, we ensure that this is only a minor slip up by an otherwise great team of security devices,” the letter read, “and we can proudly say that we are always watching students 24/7, no matter where they are, or what they are doing.”
The school did take disciplinary action against the camera, demoting it to the library, where it would make sure no more than 4 people were seated to a table at one time. It was last seen doing a terrible job at that.
