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DHS Senior Wants to Win “Best Eyes” Way Too Much

By George Minkowski

When it comes to being voted “Best Eyes” by the DHS senior class of 2011, Brett Wicker has a “win or die” attitude. Brett had always wanted to win a superla­tive other than the “Guy With Most Attractive Mom” award he’d been predicted to receive since grade school.

Voting closed Wednesday night, ending an emotionally and financially draining campaign for Wicker. “Every step I took to en­sure victory was absolutely nec­essary,” he told Flipside report­ers. “Making buttons and t-shirts and calling every senior’s house was more than necessary! Do you think this is a game?!?!?”

In fact, Wicker’s campaign launched a smear campaign against Brett’s main competitor, James “Crazy Eyez” Eisman. Over the course of the cam­paign, Wicker made every at­tempt possible to destroy James’ credibility: “It was such a tragic turn of events when James got pink eye,” Wicker told a Flipside reporter with what was alleg­edly a sly wink. “Appreciating those crazy eyes of James were difficult for voters to appreicate given the large amounts of pus caked around his eyelids.”

Time will tell if campaign was successful until the votes are in, but early reports put Wicker be­hind James by a margin of 32%, marking the first time money hasn’t won a school election.

May 1, 2011

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