Dear Mr. Motzko,

I graduate really soon, but I still haven’t done anything that notable here at Deerfield
High School. Do you have any ideas to leave a legacy that don’t require a lot of effort or care? (I’m not interested in planting
a tree or anything like that.)


Don’t forget me in Deerfield


Gentle Reader,

So…You want to leave a legacy behind? I’m assuming that you are referring to the recently passed legislation providing opportunities for individuals to leave their substantial and hard-earned American behinds to their grateful descendants (aka The Kardashian Act)? No?

Normally, in this case I’d boilerplate some trenchant witticism about immortality uttered by some ultimately dead guy but that constitutes level 7 irony and frankly you’re still on your yellow belt. But let’s get that “dog tries to comprehend kabuki theatre” expression off of your face, stat. One of the bonuses of NASA’s abandonment of the shuttle program is that I scored the mobile launch platform for cheap.

Terrible mileage, but lots of legroom and space for thoughtful bumper stickers. One sticker suggests that “It is better to live in infamy than burn in effigy.” True, but nothing makes for holiday memories like gathering ‘round with brimming cups of cider in hand, merry carols and a torched likeness of Guy Fawkes. That’s a Burning Man we all can enjoy. Another sticker states that “It is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all.” Swell, but no amount of love is gonna matter if I can’t find my #$@& keys!

What about this sticker? The one that clearly states that I have been to Wall Drug? If you’ve got this same sticker on your car, then you’ve likely been to the greatest legacy of all time: Mt. Rushmore. Hard to argue with a gigantic granite Teddy Roosevelt (he’s really passive-aggressive). That said, what the park service and Nick Cage don’t want you to know, is that the really important presidents are carved on the backside of Mt. Rushmore. They’re all there: Millard Fillmore, Taft and…well, Taft pretty much takes up the whole thing. Jimmy Carter has his likeness engraved on the molten core of the Earth!

But back to your legacy… how about that tree idea? A full-sized redwood would look boss in the courtyard.

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