Dear Mr. Motzko,

OMG SO BORED! After spring break, anywhere sounds better than school. I think I have Senioritis. This debilitating condition is wreaking havoc on my life. And the worst part of all– I’m just a sophomore. Do you know of any cures or treatments?
Done-with-school in Deerfield

Listen up, carbon-based chair-covers. Stop dipping into my precious oxygen reserve with your litany of woe and get hip to the scene that is real post-haste. Focus your rage about the injustice of the world on something important, like why we can’t get an Orange Julius franchise in the teacher’s lounge. Teen angst is the province of teens and one visited without reason (much like the province of Alberta). Teenage worries should be about lunch table Balkanization and whether or not Poseidon is indeed your father.

In my day, Senioritis was a terminal disease that could only be cured via a brutal, civil-war quality amputation. It has since been renamed “graduation”. This was followed by senior ditch day, otherwise known as the first day of our career as ditch diggers. The world needs them too, you know.

That said, I would be violating my hippopotamus oath if I were to deny you cut-rate medical advice. Senioritis translates literally to “inflamed senior”, which should not to be confused with “senior on fire” (senior ignis) for which all charges have been dropped, provided I never teach chemistry again in Illinois.

This malady is one of the most self-diagnosed diseases of the matriculation-related spectrum and is certainly one of the most annoying for all parties involved. By comparison, Freshmeningitis is a lower grade infection. The initial onset of Senioritis can be quite subtle, if your definition of subtle is a black velvet painting of Elvis killing a lion.

Unfortunately, for you, Senioritis has no cure and will pass with an ease comparable to the male-birth ritual of kidney stones.
It would be best just to accept this knowledge calmly and with dignity. And by screaming your self hoarse into a tear-stained pillow during your free periods.

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