Chilean Miners Ask To “Chill Down Here For A While”

By Jeremy Hoodaman

CHILE — Thirty-three miners trapped underground in Chile sent a handwritten note on Sunday requesting a few extra months to “hang out in the mine.”

Despite initial concerns for the miners, who are forced to live in a small shelter located 2,230 feet underground for months on end, they are apparently having a really good time. The miners receive a daily 2,000-calorie diet consisting of warm bread, delectable ham, frosty milk shakes, and kiwis. Along with a large supply of necessities, rescuers are also sending luxury items down to the trapped men. “Thanks for the iPod!” miner Sergio Aguila wrote in a message sent topside. “The mine is kind of dusty, but this baby has 64 gigs! Worth it!”

The miners, who have a land line for calling loved ones and a team of attentive psychiatrists, enjoy such activities as fort-building and creating secret handshakes. Sources pin their friendship bracelets as being baby blue with a smiley face bead, though these reports are unconfirmed.

“The way I see it, I get to enjoy a little time away from my nagging mother-in-law,” said Luiz Uzrua in a live phone interview with Oprah Winfrey on her critically acclaimed talk show, “and I kind of like not having to deal with religious oppression on a regular basis. Also, hi Oprah!”

Rescuers are perplexed by the miners’ shouts of dismay that accompanies their every attempt to rescue them. “When we tried to widen the six-inch hole that leads from the surface to the mine, they started yelling for us to ‘turn the lights off’, as we were apparently interrupting their ‘strobe light rave extravaganza,’” says Tom Perry, the head of the rescue effort. “To be honest, I feel bad. They seem to be having a good ol’ time down there”.

September 19, 2010

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