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Witness: Lebron James Announces Solo Basketball Career

By Jeremy Hoodaman

In a surprise press conference held yesterday, Lebron James announced his intentions to compete in the NBA as a one-man team. The news came amidst rumors that James would be joining other prominent teams such as the New York Knicks, the Chicago Bulls, or some team in New Jersey that The Flipside keeps forgetting about.

“I believe that without other players around to inhibit my natural abilities, I will be able to accomplish greater things as an individual than I ever had as part of a team,” James modestly told the press shortly before exiting the stage via a mystical puff of chalk dust.

Lebron James will leave the Cleveland Cavaliers this summer after seven years of mundane triple-doubles and. Despite countless triple-doubles, numerous buzzer-beaters, and recognition as the league’s Most Valuable Player, James has been unable to lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to a championship. Consequentially, many believe that Anderson Varejão, Anderson Varejão’s hair, and the rest of the Cavaliers have only held back King James.

As the only member of the team known only as The Lebron James, the former Cavalier is expected to forego the traditional five-man set-up in favor of a strategy in which he plays all positions himself. James will carry the duties of point guard, shooting guard, center, forward, power forward, small forward, head coach, assistant coach, and ball boy, among others. The Flipside has learned from an anonymous source that The Lebron James will be hiring the more-than-competent Gilbert Arenas for security during matches.

Though other players would struggle in such an environment, NBA scouts are expecting Lebron James to do nothing other than win. In the wake of the announcement, teams are already scrambling to prepare competent defensive systems to contain James’ inevitable domination in the 2010-2011 season. “The Cavs lost the number of games they did because Lebron had to let go of the ball sometimes,” Lakers coach Phil Jackson told The Flipside, “and now that he’s all by himself, I don’t know what we’re going to do. I mean, the man can pass, shoot, dunk, rebound, block… you name it.”

“I guess he can’t give himself chest bumps when he’s announced as a starter,” Jackson added, “so I guess that’s really the only thing we’ve got on him.”

May 21, 2010

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