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Wildly Popular “Perspectives” Class Cut to Make Room for Six More Mini-Laptops

By George Minkowski and Buford Stetson
Offered to Sophomores, the combined English/Social Studies class “Perspectives” is know around the school for being one of the finest courses offered at Deerfield High School. It’s innovative curriculum combined with passionate teachers made students equally passionate about reading, writing, and history. However, stimulating and effective classes are not the future of Deerfield; mini-laptops are.
Indeed, it is the dream of every Deerfield administrator that all students will one day have his or her own mini-laptop to use as long as they are enrolled at DHS. That dream started with twenty-something donated to the school by the PTA and is further realized with another six purchased with money that has funded a highly successful class for the past eight years. These mini-laptops, essentially purchased with stolen money, are manufactured in countries not yet recognized by the UN and thus their quality is something to laugh at. But still, the costly paperweights/computers are great if you need to check your e-mail and only have two hours to do it.
“‘Perspectives’ changed my life. I was truly excited to go to class every day,” says Junior Hannah Able. “But I do understand that in these tough economic times, mini-laptops are the safest investment.” Although mini-laptops are the greatest possible use of the school’s money, the administration, in its infinite wisdom, scrounged up enough cash to fund another class in the place of “Perspectives.”
That class is called “Western Worlds.” It will be offered to Freshman next year. You may not be familiar with this class because it was such a failure two years ago that they didn’t even run it this year, but that was then and this is now. The administration is aware of the past, but they believe they have a good enough reason to repeat it.
Says an anonymous administrator; “We understand that cutting ‘Perspectives’ and adding ‘Western Worlds’ can be seen by any sane person as fixing something that isn’t broken. However, fixing things that don’t need fixing is a Deerfield tradition dating back to 1978 when we changed all of the hall names from A, B, C, and D to I, G, Q and F.”
This tradition of acting irrationally and without consideration for students and teachers is the most obvious reason why DHS is a blue-ribbon school. Who said anything about the great courses offered at Deerfield being a reason for its success?
The administration even has proof that non-essential technology and failed classes are a more cost effective way to get blue ribbons. A recent study published by Bob’s College of Knowledge concluded that there is a positive correlation between mini-laptops and academic success. The study goes on to say that correlation invariably means causation.
“No, we did not fabricate the study and Bob’s College of Knowledge to silence those opposed to our actions,” adds the anonymous administrator.
But as the battle rages on between the administration and advocates of the “Perspectives” class, there is one thing they can both agree on: those mini laptops are simply adorable.

March 7, 2010

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