By Jeremy Hoodaman
Research has now confirmed what Deerfield students already know: grades given by junior English teacher Mr. Henry are largely based on his mood.
Students have long complained that English teachers are largely subjective in their grading, with many teachers using Magic 8-Balls, Ouija boards, and the tried and true “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe” method to determine grades. A recent study conducted by the Deer- field Board of Education found that Mr. Henry is no exception; he does not adhere to rubrics or logical grad- ing systems, instead relying purely on
“instinct”. Though Mr. Henry’s students are
frustrated by his inability to accurately gauge their reading and writing abili- ties, they have nonetheless discov- ered ways in which to secure high grades. King-sized Hershey Cookies and Cream Bars are reported to dis- tract Mr. Henry from grammatical mis- takes, and Chipotle gift cards worth over forty dollars cause Mr. Henry to mistakenly count missed homework assignments. Cubs tickets are known to affect Mr. Henry’s vision, in particu- lar his tendency to accidentally spot absent students and mark them as be- ing present.
Some students, however, are unable to pass Mr. Henry’s class, even after their hard work and hefty holiday gifts. “Mr. Henry was pretty upset the day af- ter the finale of American Idol,” junior Rebecca Greenfield told The Flipside. “Apparently, he was a big Adam Lam- bert fan. I came in to get homework help, and he told me that I had no business asking him to assist me with my thesis, and that I would grow up to
be a worthless leech, sucking the hap- piness out of each and every person I come into contact.” Rebecca received a D+ on her essay, which the WERCS tutors had previously told her was one of the most beautiful pieces of writing they had every witnessed.
Uplifting events in Mr. Henry’s per- sonal life also affect his grading in a very positive way. “I remember the day after Mr. Henry got back together with his on-and-off girlfriend,” said student teacher Arnold Wartsfield, who assist- ed Mr. Henry for several weeks as part of his college requirement. “He walked into class and told all their students that life wasn’t about grades, but if it was, they would all get A’s.”
In addition, Mr. Henry’s pupils have long been suspicious of a dartboard, with the letter “A” inscribed into an im- possibly bull’s-eye, hanging near the back of the classroom. “Sometimes I see Mr. Henry playing darts after class,” reported junior Brett Foster. “He’ll miss the dartboard completely, and then start laughing hysterically…”