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Concern Builds as Women Everywhere Follow Oprah’s Progressively Stranger Recommendations

By George Minkowski
In recent days, Oprah Winfrey has begun an alarming descent into insanity. However, middle-aged women around the country continue to take her increasingly bizarre advice.
Oprah has long been known to promote numerous products and activities on her nationally syndicated show, “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Reports of Oprah’s senility have alarmed sensible and independent people everywhere, as Oprah’s cult of followers has neither recognized her steady mental decline nor ceased to follow her advice. “Oprah used to give regular suggestions, and I’ll admit that I did some of what she said,” says Robin Halcombe, 42, who has watched the famous talk show host’s program for several years. “Adopting pets and buying ergonomic garden tools seemed normal enough, but when she started telling people to bathe in motor oil, I was more than a bit hesitant to comply. Honestly, nobody is going to do this weird stuff!”
The thousands of anxious housewives crowding outside Jiffy Lubes everywhere prove quite the contrary. Though reports of Winfrey’s psychosis have dominated the media over the past several weeks (including leaked photos of her consumption of several whole sticks of butter), determined women are clearly not ready to stop listening to what she has to say.
“I’m really worried about my mommy,” says local first grader Tommy Wellington, son of devout Oprah follower Elena Wellington. “Yesterday, mommy wrapped everything in my house in aluminum foil because the lady on TV told her it would keep the bad spirits away. She even wrapped individual M&Ms.”
In related news; Chicago traffic has become nearly intolerable as millions of women drive to Millennium Park in order to worship the Bean upon the request of Winfrey. The once-respected talk show host has been perched atop the eminent sculpture for several days, trying in vain to convince a squirrel to accompany her to the movies.

January 16, 2010

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