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Concern Builds as Women Everywhere Follow Oprah’s Progressively Stranger Recommendations

By George Minkowski In recent days, Oprah Winfrey has begun an alarming descent into insanity. However, middle-aged women around the country continue to take her increasingly bizarre advice. Oprah has…

United States Delays Indefinitely 2010

By Francis Nash President Barack Obama stunned the world last week after issuing an executive order postponing 2010 for the foreseeable future. Citing a long list of unresolved national crises,…

Area Teacher a Real Stickler for Significant Figures

By Lars Henry As of last Wednesday, area physics teacher Trent Keynes officially became a “stickler for significant figures.” Although this may sound insignificant, the physics department is now up…

Struggling Senior Knows Deep Down That These Upcoming Final Exams Will Not Be His Last At Deerfield High School

Area Student Oddly Returns Tan without Traveling Over Break