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DHS Opens Up New Honors Cheating Class

bernie_madoff_profile Already world renowned for their intricate underground AP answers, DHS is finally capitalizing on what its students do so well: cheating.

“Ok kids. Go to edit programs on your graphing calculator and open up your precalculus notes,” says Alcatraz Ponzi, teacher of the entire DHS cheating program. “Anyone who has heard what is going to be on the precalc test from the kids who took the test yesterday, raise your hand.”

Timid, one boy gathers the courage to spill the beans he got from a trade involving his 7th period precalc friend. Three answers for six chicken nuggets. Fair deal. It’s not like he’s paying for the food anyway. “I heard the multiple choice is BAC.”

“Well done,” exclaims an exuberant Mr. Ponzi as he tosses him a sheet of paper. “I actually stole the entire test from one of my colleagues. Share it with your friends. But remember…”

“Always for a price,” chimes the class in unison.

This is just a typical day in Mr. Ponzi’s cheating class. Students learn where teacher’s blind spots are, how to look one way though it seems you are looking the other, and no-look texting.

“Honors kids have it tough. They have to learn how to call not only their friends, but people they are really only Facebook friends with and pressure them into talking about the test,” explains a clearly proud Mr. Ponzi. “We prepare for all situations: library encounters, urinal to urinal conversations, skype parties, moodle chats, and passing period note exchanges.”

Tests consist of material students have never learned. They must use their resources to cheat their way to perfection. Last test, the entire class “went to the bathroom” and used the underrated, under-supervised language lab. That place is a goldmine! There are no partner tests, but one of cheating class’s golden rules is “make every test a partner test.”

From convincing a teacher an I-phone is really only an I-touch to intricate hand taps and cheat sheet writing, students leave Honors Cheating and Cheating Survey prepared for every class at DHS. Why study when you can copy the answer of some loser who spent all night preparing while you watched ‘The Office’ and sharpened your compass rose for tomorrows “interrogation” of the classroom braniac?

“I mean,” concludes the oddly wealthy Mr. Ponzi, “what’s the point of really learning anything anyway? I never used half the stuff I learned in high school. And I am a high school teacher!”

May 23, 2009

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