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Kauffman’s Cross-Country Takes Over School

It was only a matter of time. Ever since the eerily similar white uniforms, unison running, and the secret high-five, it was clear the Cross Country team had goals outside of running in large circles. Their coach, an ex-marine, has led the team to several conference titles and has now led them straight to the administration office, where he remains.
Cross-country runners have diligently obeyed their coach, monitoring the halls and teaching students to walk to their classes in the most efficient manner. Many students have “PR’d” in getting around school thanks to teamwork in the hallways, such as walking right behind the person in front of them for wind resistance. All first class signs have been replaced with “DFDC Rules” signs or pictures of yellow corn, whose purpose is unknown.
Many changes have been instituted since the cross-country team forcefully took over Deerfield High School. All students have to wear embarrassingly short shorts, revealing singlets, and compression shorts. Obviously, some students have not benefited from this required showing of skin and muscles, or lack thereof.
On the bright side, eating habits have dramatically improved as DFDC “food-watchers” have guaranteed that students get nowhere near the school cafeteria, let alone the soda machine. Also, students are in great mental and physical shape as three-quarters of their classes are entitled “running a lot” and the other quarter being psychology. On a final note, Coach Kauffman (now known as Commander Kauffman) has changed the school mascot to the Buckeye, despite Ohio State’s inferiority to their Maize and Blue brethren.

December 30, 2008

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