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Hogwarts Removes Early Decision: Students Up in Wands

hogwartsoy4 Platform 9 and ¾ , London— In the most controversial Wizard school decision since McGonagall V. Madison, Dumbledore has posthumously decided to remove Hogwarts Early Decision program. Some have used even harsher words than when Dumbledore came out of the wardrobe as a homosexual. Protests have been summoned across the globe, including a dramatic increase in Quaffle-based violence.

What makes matters even more controversial is that Hufflepuff is refusing to even settle for Early Action. Ravenclaw alum Stephanie Cauldron exclaims, “Since when has Hufflepuff mattered? They are the forgotten school and are undoubtedly trying to separate themselves from the competition, especially with Beauxbaton going coed. I mean, applications are getting more competitive and students are expected to do more muggle-based charity work, but come on. I mean it’s Hufflepuff, for Dumbledore’s sake.” In a much more brief response, Slytherin spokesperson Mr. I’mNotBadAfterAll said, “Stupid mudbloods.”

The removal of Early Decision at a leading school like Hogwarts affected many other industries. Olivander’s has seen a dramatic decrease in school-centric wands and the sorting hat is falling out of style faster than crazybones. The Owl Union is considering going on strike as they expect to lose many Galleons with the decreasing application mail traffic.

Additionally, sweeping changes are being made to the application process. Financial aid is becoming more need- based; that is, the wizards need to have enough money to pay for school on their own. Hogwarts is now also off the Common App and has created their own “uncommon app.” Gone are the essays describing how you bring magical diversity to the campus. They have been replaced by “If you could look into the Mirror of Erised, what would you see?”

The controversy does not stop there. Quidditch scholarships are down and all professor recommendations, whose total can no longer exceed one, must be written by quill. Moreover, legacies are being significantly devalued, leading many alumni to completely stop donating money. When asked how Hogwarts was going to address the shortage of funding, new headmaster Mrs. Trelawney (who would have guessed!) replied with only one word: “magic.”

December 30, 2008

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