By Flagstaff Roberts

DEERFIELD, IL—After the Fall Fine Arts Assembly and the Benefit Concerts, there have been a surge of recent complaints about the unjust perpetuation of religions inequality within the Deerfield community. A spectator observed, “Those hats—they’re just always there, and I just don’t like them.”

In the wake of controversy, several key sopranos refused to sing “Jingle Bells,” the “Jingle Bell Rock,” and “Eight Little Reindeer,” only singing traditional Jewish songs such as “Hava Nagila” and “Sing We of Hanukkah.”

Christian members of the singing group who did not think innocent songs such as “Jingle Bells” presented any problems were accused of having a religious bias.

As the issue escalated, the Jewish Choralier members declared an all out strike, which greatly affected the holiday spirit.

Stalemate sidelined Choraliers until recently. In an ingenious political compromise, it was agreed that the Choraliers would sport kipot (or yarmulkes, the traditional Jewish head-covering) under their famous Santa hats so that they could unveil them during Hanukkah songs in a dramatic change of costume.

Several members were interviewed on the effects of the clothing mandate. Sophomore member of Choraliers Laney Keeshin was ecstatic at the new change. “I think it’s good that we are promoting religious tolerance. We did have a disproportionate number of Christmas songs.” She questions, however, “If this spirit continues, how will we ever balance Kwanzaa hats on top of the Santa ones?” Difficult questions for difficult times.

Atheists are still unsure about the incident; they all favor no headwear at all. But as long as the controversy continues, you need not worry—“Fruitcake” is pretty neutral.

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