bears The 2009 Bears are trying something they haven’t even attempted in over two decades: playing offense. Lovie Smith discovered this groundbreaking new idea when watching film of opposing teams. Smith reveals, “It was an epiphany! I never realized you could mix up the play selection. Now, we might try to surprise the opponent with a deep throw! Or there is this thing where you fake the run and then throw it!! The possibilities are endless, especially when considering the great talent at our skill positions.”

Lovie is not the only person fascinated with the idea of playing hard on both sides of the ball. Superstar Devin Hester admits in remarkably good English and after thanking g-d for giving him the opportunity to answer this question, “Before the strategy was to score on special teams and maybe defense. Our offense’s goal was to fill the other team with confidence and to also let our defense be on the field more. Now, things are different. Maybe other teams will punt to me if they realize our offense now understands their goal is to move the ball forward.”

Matt Forte also is learning new things about football. He explains in University of Tulane quality grammar (which I believe he got in on an academic scholarship), “Cedric [Benson] always told me the goal of a running back was to run straight into the other team and then fall down when they touch you. I guess there is this thing called ‘cut backs.’” Orton too learned valuable lessons. This is a transcript of his conversation with Lovie when he found out about offense.

Orton, “So you mean I should only throw it to the guys wearing the same color jersey.”
Lovie, “Yes. Also, you should try to make the ball land where they can catch it.”
Orton, “Really!?”
Lovie, “Really. You could even consider faking out the other team by not staring at the guy you want to throw the ball to.”
Orton, “Coach, you are making things too complicated. I can only do one new thing at a time.”
Lovie, “Why don’t you try to not get hit by the guys running at you?”
Orton, “That’s not what you told me before. Or Rex.”
Lovie, “Rex is our quarterback.”
Orton, “I thought I was.”
Lovie, “Oh yeah.”

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