By Harold Vernack

WASHINGTON D.C. — In an urgent speech last Friday, President Bush called on the American people to support our “Soulja Boys over in Iraq.”

In a magnificent speech most likely written by thirteen other professional speech-writers, Bush commended all of the work that the Souljas have done to maintain order in the chaos that is Iraq.

“It is more important now than ever that we stand behind our Soulja Boys and Girls,” stated Bush. “They have been working hard to Crank Dat over in Iraq, but this is no easy task. There have been casualties. But we will continue on. We need your support.”

He was then followed by a round of applause never heard before in a Presidential speech.

This may have been the President’s most articulate speech of his term. He told the American people that we must not abandon our Soujas now in this dire time of need.

In his beautiful way with words Bush warned us that “Haterz get mad” that we are intervening to promote democracy, but truly they just cannot understand the overall benefit we are bringing to their country.

In addition to Bush calling on the Souljas he also urged the country to support the Souljas working at home, specifically the Souljas that are working on rap music to enhance our youth.

Many critics of Bush were surprised by this remark but mentioned that Bush is now entering his “rap phase” and is known to have the entire collection of Tupac and Biggie in the Oval Office.

However, the majority of the country is pleased to rally behind this deserving cause: Our Souljas in Iraq need us to support them now more than ever.

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BY GREGOR FLETCHKING

What is all this silent bickering I hear? Enough of this. When I hear people complain about the moment of silence, this is what it sounds like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” They have absolutely nothing to say; all they know is that they don’t want nothing.

People tell me that with silence comes clarity and vision. What a bunch of hogwash! This moment of silence only gives people more time to think about their fantasy team and how the temperature isn’t right in the school, not anything reflective and important.

Yes, I know the legislature tells us that we “shall” have a moment of silence now. It is like the eleventh commandment, “Thou shalt have a moment of silence.” There is all this buzz down in Springfield, and all this buzz everywhere else about how there is all this buzz over silence. Ironic.

People say they know why there is a moment of silence. People condemn those right-wing conservatives for instituting prayer and breaching church-state separation. No one knows what the real reasons are.

All that has come from mandated silence is extraneous noise. People complain that they are paying taxes that are wasted on silence. People love talking about where their tax dollars are going and how they know exactly how they should be spent but aren’t being spent correctly.

People ask me, “Gregor, should we be getting all worked up about about ten seconds?” I say to them, “Gilderoy, it’s not so black and white. Some people are happy now just because they have another issue to complain about. Most people are indifferent because there is another thing that no one really cares about. So the answer to your question, Gilderoy, is perhaps, whatever, floats your boat.

But for now, Gilderoy, I don’t want a moemnt of silence I want a moment of truth (but only for ten seconds).

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DEERFIELD, IL–Local junior student at Deerfield High School, Edgar Thompson got so caught up in the spirit of silence that he just kept it going the whole day.

“Yeah, I just loved the time for reflection and quiet thought. There’s nothing better.”

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DEERFIELD, IL–Senior student Gideon Sylvan paid M$500 (Monopoly Dollars) for this article space. He got ripped off, but he still won.

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Ask Mr. Motzko

Dear Mr. Motzko,

All of my friends have the new iPhone, but I still have to communicate with Morse code and smoke signals because my parents are so cheap. They give me a hard time, because most of them still don’t have Morse code and smoke signal receivers. I want to stay in touch with my friends, but without a hip cell phone, it seems impossible. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Cell-less in Seattle

Egad, man (woman and/or child)!

Can’t you people do anything for yourselves? Must I lead you like some balding Moses through the technological wilderness? I spend all night cutting up pieces of yarn and cleaning out old coffee cans and yet not one of you can build a decent phone (or spitoon, might I add). For shame! Alexander Graham Bell spins at 180 rpm in the grave that he stole from some other guy. Lest I lose my icy-cool, Blofeld-esque demeanor, let us speak of alternate plans. Here is one that will once and for all shatter your fortress of solitude into razor sharp shards, shredding those other social butterflies into so much confetti. Long lost are the days when classy meant a hand-written query delivered by a one-eyed, black-cloaked rider or a sonnet comitted to parchment, and delivered on the talon of a one-eyed falcon. I myself use these communicative tools all the time. Here comes a messager now. (brief pause) What!? The rebels have breached the stronghold?! Forgive me, dear reader, but you are now on your own with this one.

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