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Gaddafi Hates the Photo They Chose of Him for the Cover of Time
By George Minkowski Colonel Muammar Gaddafi hates a lot of things and people; Jewish people, many of his own citizens, running a stable country, and artichokes. But recently, something else…
News in Brief: Referendum Fails, It’s Back to District 113’s Only Non-Broken Drawing Board
By Gunther Hausmann After the District 113 referendum was shot down by a margin of 2,041 votes on Tuesday night, the school board and other referendum supporters headed back to…
Townsperson #4 Nervous for Musical
By George Minkowski Despite having no individual lines, wireless microphone, or exceedingly difficult dance moves, Sophomore Henry Wasserman is reportedly “pretty nervous” for tonight’s performance of All Shook Up. Wasserman,…
Deerfield Combines Varsity Boys’ Football & Basketball Teams
By Jeffrey Hoodaman Several dozen students were enraged after the school administration announced last Tuesday the decision to merge the varsity boys’ football and basketball teams. Upon receiving the news,…
Taliban Wages Prank War on United States
By George Minkowski KABUL, AFGANISTAN— After devastating losses last week during an air raid, Taliban leaders decided to work out a peace treaty with the United States. The Taliban refused…
Area Teen Loves Lady GaGa For Some Reason
By Walter McDonald Despite the fact that Lady Gaga is annoying and bad, area freshman George Trenton said yesterday that he still “loves” the famous pop star. “She is my…
Satire Moves to the Top of the Carts
*Note to readers: Please do not read the following article in a sarcastic voice. By Travis Delmar Really, Travis Delmar wrote this As the floodgates open and more writers dabble…
Angry Birds Destroy Homes
By Jeremy Hoodaman DECATUR, MI — Decatur police responded to an emergency call Wednesday morning after large birds smashed into several houses on Willow Street. There were no reports of…
Guess What? I Just Found A Piece of Cheese In My Beard!
By Quinn Price And fine swiss cheese, no less! What a treat for the both of us! I’ll brush off the mold from right there… Oh, and look at all…
Ethics Ignored in School’s Plan to End Illegal Parking
By Gunther Hausman There is no denying that there is an epidemic at Deerfield High School. It’s not just senioritis and swine flu is under control (for now). There is…
New App Allows You to Monitor Friends’ Blood Sugar
By Jacque Jomby In desperate attempt to live up to their commercial-quality-slogan, “There’s an app for that,” Apple announced it will release a new application that allows you to monitor…