Spitting is a skill that we as humans develop very early in life before we can walk, talk, or get to the front door of the school without having our IDs out. However, since we spend much less time spitting nowadays than we used to, its sudden relevance may have been an unpleasant shock for those struggling to fill up their vials. Unless you play a brass instrument or enjoy sunflower seeds, you probably don’t spit for fun on a daily basis. Luckily, I am here to offer some expectorating expertise to get you to class on time.

Calm Those Nerves!

The trickiest part of the whole process is most certainly getting in the headspace to be pumping out enough spit to clone yourself. Now the Saliva SpecialistsTM have kindly placed images of sour foods around the testing zone to help you salivate, but you can imagine anything that makes you drool like a fat slice of Portillo’s chocolate cake or that one cutie in the top right corner of your Honors Spanish II Zoom. If you get nervous from people watching you, utilize the classic strategy of pretending everyone is in their underwear, or remember that they too are awkwardly spitting into a funnel for several minutes in a high school library. And remember, the testing professionals are more afraid of you than you are of them.

A Little Motivation

Embrace your competitive nature and have a little bit of fun to make the time go by quicker! Establish dominance by making direct eye contact with other spitters while hacking mega loogies to intimidate unsuspecting freshmen who just want to go home for lunch. Unfortunately, phones aren’t allowed during testing, so pack a stopwatch and go for a speed spit school record! High scores will be posted in the library’s Burgundy Room as well as in the PERC.

Cheaters Never Prosper… Unless?

Don’t have the time or willpower to make all that spit yourself? I will be selling Dixie Cups of my spit in the upper X-Hall bathroom for $4. Your DNA will be sold to Facebook after the test is over anyway, so you might as well preserve the smallest bit of privacy, get an extra hour of eating/drinking time, and just use someone else’s. Plus, then you can get COVID and endanger the health of those around you scot-free! Happy drooling!

Whether it takes you two minutes or two class periods, remember that we’re all in this together. Everyone else looks and feels like a dingus spitting into a funnel too, so follow this guide, have some fun, and you too can be hacking up a lung like a Major League Baseball coach in no time.

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