World Health Report: Senioritis is in Season Extra Early this Year.

Disregarde Skul, the bacteria commonly known as Senioritis, has infected 17- and 18-year-olds across the globe extra early this year. While this pathogen is normally infectious in the late spring and early summer, Senioritis expert Dr. Ino Dowerk says, “Oh, sorry I didn’t prepare a comment for this interview.”

According to facts that we’re making up, the new form of the contagion makes it more adaptable to early fall and winter climates but still causes similar symptoms. “Failure to complete homework, not wanting to show up to class, and binging Netflix are all signs that you may have been infected.”

Estimates claim that as many as 75% of seniors could be infected by December, a number that usually does not arise until late March or April. It is theorized that the outbreak originated somewhere in the north suburbs of Chicago, Illinois.

Deerfield High School senior Cole Faierstain says he was one of the first to be infected. “Last Tuesday, I woke up, and I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t go to school, I couldn’t care, I couldn’t even…” Wow, apparently he couldn’t even finish his sentence.

Teachers at DHS are also trying to figure out what went wrong. “I give them a full class period to do ten minutes of homework, but they get nothing done.  Instead, they sit there with their mouths open, foaming ravenously, their beady eyes staring deep into my soul” says English teacher Mr. Layzie.  It was later revealed that his class was infected with rabies, a disease unrelated to senioritis.

Colleges are disappointed in the lack of effort from prospective students. DHS college counselor Mrs. Nokaire says, “Representatives do not have any motivation to come visit our school at this rate. They just don’t care any more.”

Doctors do not feel like figuring out a way to prevent this disease. As of now, the only cure is graduation.

September 14, 2016

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