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Walker Brothers Salmonella Outbreak Deters Nobody

By George Minkowski HIGHLAND PARK — Over a dozen Deerfield students stayed home from school Monday after receiving salmonella from Walker Brothers due to unrefrigerated eggs. However, becoming violently ill…

School Realizes Kid Has A Twin, Explains A Lot

By Alex Von Trapensfield Students and teachers at DHS have discovered that sophomore Robby Cassini has an identical twin, Danny, and things are starting to make a lot more sense…

Kwanzaa Celebrators Disappointed About Lack of Kwanzaa Spirit This, Every Year

By Gunter Hausman Unfortunately, as Christmas and Festivus fast approach, Kwanzaa is seldom on our radars. This is starting to bother Kwanzaa celebrators who were hoping that this would be…

Area Man Feels Much Better After Having a Nice Cry in the Bathtub

Tiger Woods In No Mood to be Satirized by Blatant Rip-Off of The Onion

Why Does Everybody Think I Want Knives For Hannukah?