BY R. CUVERNSTALE
Happy Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day! Fruitcake, latkes, and Kwanza fruit are all abound. Today, December 17, is the day we celebrate nothing. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year. There is nothing that can be wrong or anything that can be disputed when nothing is being celebrated on this day of celebrating nothing.
Every family will start out each day by eating a breakfast made from nothing but tofu. Tofu eggs, bacon, and soy milk. Nothing sweet because that would represent goodness and if there is goodness, then there must be badness. Thus religion is implied.
The next tradition is the sharing of constructive criticism. It is started off by people sitting in a circle, shouting at others.
This day brings families together by forcing them to not leave their property line the entire day and not use the heater. Body warmth will bring everyone closer together in a literal and insightful way.
While shivering, the traditional Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day song will be sung:
We’re so happy to be here
I wish we could feel our toes
But for now we are happy
‘cause everyone knows
it’s Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day
it’s Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day
yay yay Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day
After the singing is over and the fire of burning material possessions has smoldered, there is free time. People can play in the snow (but not snowmen without snow-women). People can stare at things, also. It’s great fun.
The parade starts at the time one cannot tell the difference between purple and blue at night. People in the parade are wearing all black, as to not make anyone see them, and they carry incandescent flagpoles poles. There will be no flags to anger any bystanders. They are followed by people carrying large sacks full of pieces of paper, which they will crumple and throw at the audience to make sure they pay attention. The Shriners will be riding miniature non-denominational donkeys (donkeys are the nondenominational horse/mule). The band will be five people whose instruments do not have mouthpieces. For no mouthpieces means no music to offend anyone. The large balloons will be shaped like balloons.
As the sun just slinks below the horizon, rocks are given out. One rock will be handed out for each person. These rocks symbolize the middle road. They have no purpose but to inspire. Also at sunset, there is silent meditation for three hours, and then sleep.
Non-Denominational Cataclysmic Togetherness Day is celebrated every prime numbered year. Have a safe holiday and whatever you celebrate, celebrate it with people or can tolerate. Happy Whatever!
