I was 5 years old when I first read Everybody Poops. Little did I know at the time, but I was embarking on a literary journey that has defined a generation, and in the process changed me forever. Over the years, I’ve come to interpret the book as not only a simple exposé on defecation, but also a striking contemplation of life itself. As the book says, everything shall come to pass. So true is that lesson applies to all of us, so in this issue, we here at the Flipside would like to take a moment for a tribute to the things in our lives whose time with us was far too short.
The Homecoming Dance, aged 53, died October 3, 2013 after only 5 people bought tickets to it, all of them by mistake.
Started in 1960 as part of an effort to create traditions for DHS students to participate in, the Homecoming Dance spent years as the prime event of the fall for students of the school. The dance was renown for high quality entertainment and a lively dancing scene that excited participants and featured the best music around.
Police have ruled out homicide as a cause of death, but they have started inquiries into whether they can bring a wrongful death charge against the students of Deerfield High School. Investigators have accused students of abandoning the dance after draining it of its traditional charm with house music and dubstep, as well as ushering in so many pointless dance crazes that the dance itself was unable to keep up with popular culture.
Deerfield students have repeatedly denied these accusations, calling the dance “stupid,” “boring,” and “a relic of a bygone era where high school students desired and sought out such social events, rather than this current era which rejects old ideas of formally organized events and preserving tradition in favor of a new, post-modern approach to maintaining communities.”
People from around the world have expressed condolences to DHS, including former students and teachers who remember the dances as a fun time to hang with friends and make memories that last a lifetime.
Services will be held at 7:00 PM in the Exhibition Gym in place of the actual dance. Food will be served, but it will consist of crèpes and really greasy pasta, so bringing a snack is recommended. Please send all condolences to Student Council, who have put up colorful streamers and banners in memoriam for the untimely passing of the event.
Authorities have officially called off the search for Class Colors, age unknown, after a yearlong investigation which has concluded in no leads into its mysterious disappearance.
Class Colors, which was for a long time the most famous member of the “spirit days” themes, mysteriously failed to show up last year after decades on the job. shortly afterwards, the administration announced that it had officially been removed it from spirit week. At the time of the announcement, students refused to accept the tradition’s removal, but the past year has not turned up any reasons to believe that Class Colors will make a return to the halls of DHS anytime soon.
Seniors have planned a memorial vigil for the lost theme day, sporting all black in mourning for what was once the most popular event in the lead-up to homecoming. Already, however, the memory of class colors is fading as this year’s underclassmen haven’t show the same loyalty.
Authorities have long suspected that the school administration is behind the disappearance of class colors, which is speculation that the administration itself neither confirms nor denies. Possible motives for the cover-up have long been theorized, from the outrageous ramblings about alien conspiracy to the very real possibility that someone somewhere is dead set against students having fun.
Administrators have denied student accusations, instead pointing out how Class Colors long divided the student body into four distinct groups with different statuses based on their age, whereas the high school is a perfectly blended classless society on all other days.
Class Color’s successor, Red and Grey Day, has once again issued statements sympathizing with students over the loss of their beloved theme day, but also claimed for the umpteenth time that it is doing a satisfactory job replacing it, saying: “students love wearing both Red and Grey simultaneously, because they definitely get excited about football for exactly one weekend a year. That is the purpose of Red and Grey day.”
School Spirit, which has no official birthdate but has been around since the concept of high school was invented, has unfortunately passed away after several years on life support.
Long considered one of the most important components of a successful school, School Spirit was a cherished and integral part of the Deerfield community for the better part of the last 50 years. In it’s younger days, School Spirit was capable of great feats, motivating students to attend games, cheer for teams, and win championships for their school.
The end of School Spirit follows what has been a long and painful public decline that saw several opportunities to save it, but none of those opportunities taken. Many different factors have been cited to have contributed to this decline from poor promotion of athletic events to the increasing amount of student life that occurs outside of school.
Generally, however, people have pointed to the fact students today are terrible people incapable of enjoying themselves in any capacity, and therefore also incapable of being inspired by ball sports and fight songs composed during the Johnson administration.
Of course, students strongly disagree with this narrative, instead pointing to the increased prevalence of forced-attendance events that support the school and the increasingly planned out nature of school events that make them seem more like elementary school room parties than milestones for responsible young adults.
In any case, school authorities and students alike have expressed interest in attempting to re-animate School Spirit when technology progresses far enough, but until then, they have agreed to exist in an awkward state of passive-aggressive sarcasm.