By Jacque Jomby

In desperate attempt to live up to their commercial-quality-slogan, “There’s an app for that,” Apple announced it
will release a new application that allows you to monitor your friends’ blood sugar levels.

“What is the point of creating thousands of apps when all people really want to know is how much glucose is present in their friends’ blood?” said Appleʼs Head of Software Development, Scott Forstall, at their last developer conference.

However, 10% of those who tested the app reported “mild reluctance” about undergoing the outpatient procedure needed establish a central line between them and their iPhone for the app to function. As a result, developers added two more features to make the app more appealing: a heart rate monitor and button that makes fart noises.

Although the “flatulence feature” is just for fun, the other two have potential to compete with Twitter and ‘Places’ on Facebook as social utilities. With the biological data iBloodSugar provides, users can infer what their friends are doing and where they are. For instance, if someone’s heart rate increases from 81 to 94 BPM and their blood sugar level decreases from 72.9 to 72.4 mg/dL, they are obviously at The Cheesecake Factory and eating a slice of New York Style Cheesecake in a vigorous fashion.

This version of the app is getting the attention of more than just Apple fanatics. Doctors and nurses alike are praising the app for its inviting user interface and shocking accuracy. Many of these medical professionals are choosing to ig¬nore the disclaimer in every iPhone contract:

“iPhones are not purposed to be anything more than expensive toys… maybe a phone too. Apps are only meant to keep you from getting bored and generate more revenue. Thank you for your undying loyalty to Apple Incorporated.”

iBloodSugar, or iBS for short, will be hitting the metaphorical shelves of the App Store next Wednesday. The 14-minute demo version will be available for free.

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