By Boris Belanov

DEERFIELD, IL — The familiar festivities of Homecoming are being kicked off in a mere four days with Student Council’s outrageously popular “Spirit Week.” Deerfield’s rockstar students will be dressing as real rockstars, seniors will be screaming loaded pejoratives at whomever will listen, teachers will be agitated, the football team will be struggling for the student body’s attention at the game, and most students will be ditching the dance in favor of snapping glamorous Facebook shots in a lavish “party bus”.

As charming as those previously listed activities are, the pinnacle of Homecoming occurs in the couple of weeks prior to the big game. Deerfield boys will attempt (and fail) to attain cleverness and originality in their pleas to their estrogenated counterparts. When asked about his plans, Deerfield sophomore, Daniel Ehrenberg, responded, “Yeah, I’m going to have my mom make her a potato salad with gum balls and frosting in it that spell out ‘Homecoming Laura?’ and then I’ll leave it in her psych classroom. Of course she’ll say yes.”

Scores of Deerfield girls will be put in undesirable situations like this (see below). Many girls think that, by way of social etiquette, they must say “yes” to the boys who ask them. This is not the case. Reporters talked to some Deerfield “no”-sayers to get the scoop on rejecting that uncomfortable, unwanted invitation. Junior Deborah Glass told reporters, “Last year, some nice what’s-his-face guy in my geometry class asked me, and I would have said yes, but then I remembered that I had a football-playing, hunky senior boyfriend, so I decided otherwise.”

Senior Jenna Girard responded, “I was asked by this weirdo poetry-guy and I told him, ‘sorry hun that poem was cute, but no.’ I mean, what was I supposed to do? I don’t even know him. He always has dried Play-Doh under his fingernails and he smells like sauerkraut on Thursdays. I think I saw him crying in G-Hall after, but he cries a lot, so whatever.”

So, as Deerfield students have learned since elementary school, it is possible to “just say no.” And girls, if these real-life stories aren’t enough to convince you to reject the next “cutesy” sign on your locker, then just remember to untag yourself in the pictures with Play-Doh boy.

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