College Rejection Letter

Nuggets Magic Basketball Although we had a historically low amount of applicants, we cannot offer you a spot at Basic U. Quite frankly, you suck. The class of 2013 is going to be terrible, as always, but you could not even manage to fill out your application correctly. To deny admission is an unhappy business. In your case, it gives me great pleasure to reject your ass.

This year, we chose from a wide range of con artists, foreign fugitives, juvenile delinquents, and convicted rapists. Relatively speaking, these applicants were clearly capable of performing well at Basic U. You, my not friend, are relatively incapable.

The board’s task this year was exceedingly easy. We looked at your application for, oh, about five seconds. Then we burned it.

We are sorry for your loss. Just kidding. We don’t care at all. In fact, there are few schools in the country easier to get into than Basic U. I would wish you good luck wherever you go, but if you can’t get in here, you aren’t going anywhere. Not now; not ever.

So if you couldn’t figure it out yet, you have been rejected. Hard. If I could, I would burn a scarlet R on your bosom to remind the world you will never be nothing more than a reject. I have tried to use as many negatives as possible in this REJECTION letter because you add nothing to the world. You are less of a factor than Kosuke Fukudome during the second half of 2008.

Madame Defarge
P.S. God help yourself

May 25, 2009

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