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“Straight” Males Go to All Boys Camp For 9th Straight Summer

kawaga As school comes to an end, a large portion of the DHS student body heads off to overnight camp, coming out of the closet with loads of camp gear. Spending yet another summer cramped in a small cabin with members entirely of the same sex, these individuals swear camp is the coolest, funnest, and “straightest” place to be.
Often without most of their clothes on due to the humid weather, the young men join together in song, dance, and row boating all in the name of camp spirit. Like a bunch of cheerleaders, these campers tell their friends at home, “How’s living in Deerfield, you homos.”
Walking down to the shower house together, the smelly brotherhood prepares for their first social contact with females in two weeks. A barely clad teen notes, “Boy, everyone who doesn’t go to camp is so gay.” Dying of laughter, one bully completes the daily ritual of embarrassing the hell out of the cabin loser, forcibly removing his towel in front of the entire shower house. Also, many cabin mates decide not to shower again, as real men don’t care about stupid things like hygiene.
“The best part about camp,” admits eight year camper and first year counselor Jordan Silver, “is that now I get paid to be here. My friends at home are such queers, working at places like Mitchell Pool and making three times more money for half the work.” Yes, stereotypical camp counselor. You get paid to watch little boys while your friends watch young adults in bathing suits. That’s about as good of a deal as after school pizza.
“I wouldn’t trade anything (OUCH!) in the world for Camp MenOnMe,” says senior camper Brian Shultz as he gets a firm slap on the butt for making a great play on the manly softball diamond. “All my boys are here, baby. See all those bundle of sticks in the forest. Those are symbolic of all my friends who aren’t here, who aren’t spending 8 weeks with a bunch of dudes.”

May 19, 2009

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