torture-chamberjpg With Guantanamo Bay shutting down, DHS librarians finally have found a solution to unnecessary library chatter and other shenanigans: torture.

According to chief librarian Ms. Strict, “The library is out of control. I feel the only logical punishment for eating crackers in the library is sending the perpetrator to Guantanamo Bay. No trial is needed, the punishment clearly fits the crime.”

At Guantanamo, students learn the hard way about library procedures. Students memorize the Dewey decimal system, learn exactly how many pieces of paper they are allowed to print out, and get their voice boxes crushed so as to forever whisper.

Like in the library, at Guantanamo there is no food or drink… ever. The similarities do not stop there. At Guantanamo, there are many guards constantly glancing suspiciously at its inhabitants. The slightest sign of wrongdoing and they move in for the kill. No fun, life, laughter or other human characteristics are allowed.

Many see this move as an overly dramatic measure to increase library security. DHS sophomore Joe Sullen sophomorically noted, “Honestly, I was fine when the punishment for talking in the quiet section was water boarding. That seemed fair. When Mr. Winkie electrocuted my baby-makers because I did not pay my overdue fine—that was understandable. Now it is just getting ridiculous.”

Though nobody has seen Joe since he made those comments, many share his sentiments. Before the librarians instituted torture, the punishment for using Wikipedia or Sparknotes was having to sit through a lecture on how to use the Gale Virutal library. Two time offenders had to intensely watch a sixty-minute lesson on all the subscription services and MLA citation. As always, it is three strikes and you’re out: three time violators had to join the Book Club.

Still, the librarian’s logic is clear. As the world advances, so must their discipline. Just recently, students were spotted using calculators with wireless communication technology. These Ti-CalcuPhones are just another example of students attempting to ruin library utopia.
Even though reading in general has long been considered torture, the physical and moral implications remain to be seen. As rumors swirl about wire-tapping, the QUIET Act (Quiet, Utopia, Inhumane, Extinction, and Torture), and preemptive nuclear warfare, the library is starting to look more and more like a war zone. As students find innovative ways to eat, text, and chat, the librarians are not afraid to play at high stakes. Both sides are going all in. Who is going to fold?

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