by Austin Graypad

Recently, I have been asked about super heroes, or more specifically, super powers. What super power is the greatest super power of all? Well, as an M.D. in super hero affairs, I have come to learn that super powers are a very delicate thing and must accent the way you will use them.

If one could have any super power that he would save the world with, it would definitely be immortality. The tricky thing about super powers is to get combinations correct. Being tortured for all of eternity by evildoers can come with immortality and therefore, it must be paired with invincibility.

With the knowledge that one cannot feel physical pain and cannot die, courage is not in absence. Fighting will be easy because you can never get tired, and because you never get hurt, getting old comes in only age, not appearance.

For those of us that just want super powers for the fun of it or because we are lazy, the perfect power would be teleportation paired with invisibility.

Invisibility is a very touchy subject in the super world. For one thing, would ones clothes become invisible with the person who occupies them? Would you be able to walk through walls and furniture? Would dogs still be able to see you? Could you still make noise? All of these questions need to be answered when picking the perfect strength of invisibility. Personally, I would say that clothes and anything (or anyone) that touches the person that is going invisible, while he is going invisible, should go invisible with him or her. Any solid could be walked through and no dog would be the wiser.

Teleportation is another story. There is only one big question that needs to be answered before choosing this power; do you have to see the place before you teleport to it? The answerer is yes. If one wants to teleport to Quebec to pet a Mounty, then he just can’t think the word Quebec, he might either land on an almanac under the Canada section, or in the blistering cold of the French section of Canada. He could end up anywhere in the entire province. This is not good. POOF! To the fridge for a soda! The more specific, the better.

Super powers are a touchy subject and when choosing one, one can miss a detail so important that his life might be ruined. So heed this warning, before conducting any crime fighting, with or without super powers, please do some research on the subject first and ask you doctor.

Common mistakes made by Super Heroes-

· Don’t combine the ability to make water and to make fire because then you’d end up with some weird name like “Steam Boy,” or “Mr. Mist.”

· Flying is not all that it is cut out to be. When above the clouds, the sun it hot. Not to mention the bugs flying in your nose, mouth, and eyes. Also, try breathing in that high of altitude.

· Don’t combine the ability to control animals and ability to become any animal. If you get caught under your own spell… disaster.

· Reading minds is fun until you learn something you don’t want to know, “It’s a good thing he doesn’t know I’m not his real father.”

· Time travel is always disastrous

· If you have a super name starting with “doctor” or, “the ultimate,” you are setting yourself up to be a villain

· Morbid obesity is not fun

· Running at the speed of light is tiring work

· Being a karate master does not go far in this age of technology

· Controlling weather is a horrible power due the fact that the enemy can see where you’ve been and where you are going by switching to the Weather Channel.

Stupid powers-

· Being able to create beer

· Turning into water

· Sumo wrestling ability

· Virus controller

· Spontaneous combustion (“Mr. President, the world could be saved by…”


· Honestly, when will X-ray vision come in handy?

· Controlling vegetation (“Grow Cucumber!”)

· Breathing fire started the rule of no kissing on the first date

· Spasms

· Ability to speak in rhyme

· Ability to taste and identify all mustards

· Ability to talk to animals (squirrels are so chatty)

· Knowing all prime numbers

· Knowing the recipe for the perfect lemonade

So for all of you who are planning on becoming a super hero soon I advise you to beware, and eat your green vegetables.

+ posts
You May Also Like

In Defense of WDT

WDT is under attack. They’ve been made villains by nearly all of…

Dunkin’ Donuts Changes Name to Be Politically Correct

by Anfernee Van Tarkus MASSACHUSETTS-Leading donut and coffee provider Dunkin’ Donuts has…

SparkNotes Releases SparkNoted SparkNotes

By Jeremy Hoodaman SparkNotes, the sworn enemy of English teachers everywhere, recently…

Deerfield Combines Varsity Boys’ Football & Basketball Teams

By Jeffrey Hoodaman Several dozen students were enraged after the school administration…