by Anfernee Van Tarkus

MASSACHUSETTS-Leading donut and coffee provider Dunkin’ Donuts has announced that it is changing its name to ‘Donuts That You May Dunk If You Want To’ following a lawsuit from disgusted consumer Michael Coomer. “I was outraged by the name and the implications that it had” says Coomer. “Although I prefer to dunk my donuts, I wanted to have the official right to choose not to, and I am thrilled with the name change.”

“Free country?” continued Coomer, “Let me tell you something folks, this is not a free country. There will always be those telling you what to do and what not to do, to dunk and what not to dunk. I am a civil rights pioneer a la Malcolm X, only for donuts.”

Coomer is planning on continuing his tirade against politically incorrect fast food chains with hopes of renaming hamburger staple Burger King ‘Burger King or Queen’ and is urging cookie supplier Mrs. Fields to keep her original last name.

“We are ecstatic about the name change” exclaimed an anonymous Dunkin’ Donuts representative. “We can finally express our openness to dunkers and non-dunkers alike.” However, there is opposition to this stunning announcement.

“I’ve been dunking my donuts here for going on 55 years, and I’m not going to have some left-wing treehugers tell me that I have the right not to” says change-resistant and angry old man Clarence Hubert. “I fought in the Korean War for the right to dunk my donuts and not be given the option not to.”

The National Association of Housewives Who Like to Complain (NAHWLTC) agreed. “Dunkin’ Donuts are now corrupting our moral values” said a spokesperson for the association. “If I gave you the option to not jump off a bridge, would you do it?”

The battle rages on and will likely never be resolved but the Flipside will continue with full coverage until this war between people with nothing else to do comes to its bitter, cold end.

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