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Osama Bin Laden Found At Deerfield High School Turnabout

By Buford Stetson DEERFIELD, IL – Osama Bin Laden was found hiding on the dance floor this past weekend at the Deerfield High School turnabout. When asked how he chose…

Local Man Dies from Senior-Citizen-Itis

By Buford Stetson HIGHLAND PARK, IL – A lot of things changed for former Deerfield resident Mike White when he turned sixty-five in 2010. All of a sudden, he didn’t…

Student Loses Handbook, Can’t Remember To Buy A New One

By Buford Stetson DEERFIELD, IL – Local Freshman John Morris lives a very organized life. He does all of his math homework (even if the teacher is not checking it…

Area Student Purposefully Contracts Tuberculosis, Nails College Admissions Essay

By Giles Henderson NORTHBROOK, IL – It’s not uncommon for teens to dedicate large amounts of their time to stay competitive in the college admissions process. One local girl was…

History Classes Officially Deemed Pointless

By Buford Stetson WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press release last Friday, the United States Government officially deemed history classes “as useful as the pledge of allegiance in homeroom.” The…

Super Bowl Makes Tuesday Fatter

By Buford Stetson MIAMI, FL — As Tracy Porter intercepted Petyon Manning’s pass late in the fourth quarter and ran it back for a touchdown, I was quick to realize…

Opinion: It’s No Surprise That Studies Show Inverse Relationship Between Fan Pages, Friends

By Buford Stetson CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – A press release regarding the relationship between the amount of fan pages a Facebook user has and the amount of friends they have was…

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