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Secret Menu of The Crossroads Cafe

It’s public knowledge that the Deerfield Crossroads Cafe (yes, this is the official name of the caf) recently added a “popcakes” machine. But what you may not know is that a new underground menu has also emerged. Depending on the time the caf starts serving breakfast and which day you show up, there may be more options. We at the Flipside entered the caf and attempted to uncover these secret items hidden behind all of the smoothies, cookies, and pancakes.

Here and only here will you find a full and complete list of all of the items on this menu (except the ones that we forgot about).

Monster Cake
Cost: $4.92

Do you want to feel bad about yourself right after you just had a nutrition talk with your coach the day before? Then the Monster Cake is for you! Unlike most of the items in the caf, the Monster Cake is overpriced, incredibly fattening, and doesn’t taste very good. It consists of caf cookies stuffed inside a caf cake in a cup with lime sherbet to top it all off. If you would like it to come on a plate, it will be an extra 99¢

Supreme Sandwich
Cost: $5.83

I know all of you are just craving to die young, and that is what the supreme sandwich is made for! The supreme sandwich is a cheeseburger stacked on top of a chicken patty on top of two hot dogs on top of a regular burger. Don’t forget every topping imaginable is on this bad boy, with a bagel bun on top. And don’t worry if you don’t feel like going into the caf: since this is essentially made from plastic, it won’t expire in the vending machines either!

Caf Sushi
Cost: $15.32

The most expensive item on this list but also the most amazing. Caf sushi is an extremely unique delicacy. Instead of regular white rice, spanish rice is used in the roll. Instead of seaweed wrap, it uses popcakes. And because of a lack of fish, the caf obviously uses ground up spicy chicken. Hot cheeto bits sprinkled on top complete this dish.

A Sack of Lower
Cost: $13.00

This item is only available for a limited time. While there is really no food inside of the brown paper bag, it costs $13.00 to Instagram a picture of it. Don’t fret, it also comes with Caf Coffee, which is like Starbucks, though it comes in less controversial cups.

Note: the only way to access these items is to enter the caf without an ID and form a ten-minute-long line culminating in a security guard who demands an ID. The caf accepts Monopoly money, Canadian dollars, and souls.

January 31, 2016

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