With the opening of the new library just around the corner, we at The Flipside wanted to give you a sneak peak of all of the new things the library has to offer.

To begin, the library will now include 24-hour, fully staffed, watchtowers to look out for delinquent students attempting to sit at tables with four people already there. In addition to these new librarians, there will be a jail to act as a prison for students with unpaid fines. This new “Computer Lab,” as one staff member called it, will also be used to temporarily hold students that try to break the seating rules. After a short time spent in the “Lab,” students will be moved to solitary confinement in the quiet section. We have been told that sentences can range from twenty-five minutes to an entire period.

The new library will also be complete with computers that are programmed to stop working just as you really need them to. These will be very much like the computers in the old library, but they have received a major software update that allows them to crash just before that final essay is due. Astounding progress, we know.

One step that we felt is in the wrong direction are the new chairs. We had a chance to sit in them. One of our correspondents, Doe John, commented that these chairs were so comfy that he had fallen asleep twice while sitting in them. While he was only in the library for five minutes before being shh’ed and ask to leave, he reported that he fell asleep within a dream he was already having. This is our warning to you: if you have the misfortune of sitting in one of these chairs, do not make it during a reading period. You will fall asleep. You have no say in the matter.

Overall, The Flipside gives the new and improved library 3 thumbs up. This is truly astounding as two thumbs is typically the maximum for humans. With the construction coming to a close and the doors of the library opening, we hope that you, students and staff of Deerfield High School, can somehow find the books in the library; we were unsuccessful.

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