A correspondent for The Flipside confirmed rumors this week that school administration is waiting for the current seniors to graduate so that the mind-controlling technology embedded in the Chromebooks that juniors, sophomores, and gnats are required to buy will be activated. Chromebooks’ remote access features allow the high school to efficiently police their use and to implement the brainwashing, device BERGERON, with the touch of a button, the informant said.

Representatives for the school denied all such rumors, saying in a statement, “We clearly implemented the Chromebook Initiative for the students. Chromebooks were chosen for their overwhelming superiority to typical laptops, including a practically-unusable keyboard to keep students from playing games in class, incredibly fragile hinges to teach students delicacy and grace, and battery charge that can last an incredible eight hours only if the computer is in ‘doorstop mode’ the entire time. In addition, we feel that Chromebooks teach a valuable life lesson by becoming unusable without Wi-Fi, because students today are underexposed to these ‘inter-nets’. With all of these features, compatibility with BERGERON was only a bonus.”

Math and physics teacher Mr. Oyler commented that he was “incredibly excited to get rid of those brats” when asked if he was looking forward to a school without the Chromebook-less seniors. “Right now, if I want to demonstrate terminal velocity, I have to go down the hall, find the cart, distribute them, make sure everyone knows to put the right Chromebook back in the right charging station (because there are subtle differences, and each computer actually only charges if plugged into the correctly numbered port), turn off the WiFi, and tell the kids that there’s a signal if they lean far enough out the window. Next year, I can just activate BERGERON and tell them to jump.”

Mr. Oyler’s classroom is located in upper X Hall.

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