Dear Mr. Motzko,

With the holidays coming up I have noticed that all of these other families have “family traditions.” My family doesn’t have any, but I want us to. What kind of family traditions would you suggest I start?

Sincerely, Holiday N00b


Dear Norbert,

Your query shows a lack of invention on par with Bizzaro Edison. I have to change thousands of years of social convention AND take out the trash? Serious bogosity. You, sir, have awoken a sleeping giant with your mention of the upcoming holidays, so prepare for some loud shouting and perhaps the eating of small, disobedient children.The phrase that comes to mind when I think of the impending holiday season is not “glad tidings” or “goodwill to all.” Rather, it is “grievous offense.” I am offended by the soulless corporate machine that is ramming the holidays down our collective maw like some grey-flannel Molly Pitcher. I am offended that most of you don’t get that reference. C’mon people! Battle of Monmouth?!? The continuous genuflections before the god of commerce wears my knee-bones to dust this time of year, these ministrations returned to me in the form of socks or the occasional animatronic singing bass. What is Santa Claus but thinly-veiled home invasion made possible by the tacit condoning of sweat-shop oppression for the 2ft. and under crowd? You may keep your Schultzian pageant of passive-aggressive children, sir. Just make sure it doesn’t bump Ace of Cakes from my idiot-box.

If you want to start a new holiday tradition, how about writing a carol that is relevant to your own tepid personal experience? Most carols are just plain unreasonable or, like Tito Jackson, they just are not germaine. Global warming has ankled the sleigh industry. You can’t talk on a cell phone while driving in D-town. You think you’re going hove into view astride a horse-drawn barge festooned with bells without the sweet kiss of a DFPD truncheon? Write about what you know from your own mundane parade.  Example:

(sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

“I just came in for laxatives and half-price candy canes,

Oh blast! My former girlfriend looking at me in dismay!

They’re not for me, I swear!  But then she just walked away

Now its shame, discomfort and five-ninety-five

Next time I go to Walgreens with a mask.” 

Consider this my holiday present to you.  Save the gift receipt.

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