I apologize if you are looking for the world’s funniest, most controversial article. If you want ridiculous, try looking at movie ticket prices. I’d like to use this final article to say what needs to be said, no matter if it is humorous or serious.
I made a mistake last week. It turns out I am human after all. I almost went the whole year towing that fine line between keeping the staff happy and entertaining the student body. Then I said penis. Don’t worry; I am never doing that again.
On the whole, though, I tried my best to make you smile. Unlike McDonalds, I did so without clogging your arteries and burning the most precious part of your body with piping hot coffee. If I ever insulted you, just try to remember that I insulted everyone equally. This all follows my creed: separate but equal.
If you really miss me so much, you can just take the Metro to Davis Street and walk, oh, about two blocks. It isn’t very far from mommy and daddy. Trust me. I know.
While doing some light reading this year, I discovered the following quote on page 782 of The Brothers Karamazov, “It is usually so in life that when there are two opposites one must look for the truth in the middle.” To those disappointed that I didn’t do something extreme, be happy I did something at all. This isn’t the X-games. To those disappointed with me making fun of Jews, remember that I did not damage Israel’s sovereignty. Ultimately, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. For those neither for nor against—pick a side already! You are about as indecisive as a permit driver. Try being more like Simon Cowell. Or even Icarus.
This year has been fun, like getting an extra gumball from a broken machine. Yes, to enjoy the sweet you may have picked up a cavity or two along the way. However, I hope you remember the name of who provided you with those bittersweet moments. No, not your insurance. I’m pretty sure there is a poster somewhere in a class where I never paid attention that says no one has missed more shots than Michael Jordan. I don’t really remember, though. I was texting. Mostly to the person sitting next to me.
Alas, I find myself in that unsolvable Sudoku. I have to say a sincere goodbye while still being sarcastic. So with that, let me say; I will really miss you all.