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Pubescent 13 Year Olds Now Partying Later Than High Schoolers With New Curfew

Deerfield, IL- The much-maligned new curfew has had some unintended side effects. The once dreaded age of puberty, filled with voice cracks and hair growing in weird places, has now…

I Can’t Believe I Have to Poop in School

There are just so many crappy options. All the bathrooms both literally and metaphorically stink. I would like to drop a deuce in D Hall, but there is this brown…

Pregnant Woman Mysteriously Abandons Students

Chicago IL- A startling trend has spread across Deerfield High School. Many women, all teachers, had grown increasingly large bellies as the year progressed, culminating in their sudden disappearance. This…

Rainbow Trout Extra Excited for this Year’s Mating Season

Stairway to Heaven Falls Short