The head of the Junior Pastry Team Hugh Muffen has been having a difficult time leading this project. “The main problem is, the seniors are too perfect. They never do anything against school policy and are incredibly kind to underclassmen.” This fact could not be denied because there was not one instance where seniors dropped stinkbombs on the X-hall stairs. Muffen is hoping for a little more luck in the ingredient department as he waits for the seniors to cover the I and J hallways with copious amounts of raw eggs. Senior Jackie Sun thinks that this is a “totally safe idea where like no one can get hurt…unless they’re stupid.”

Jackie Sun and Hugh Muffen have been dating ever since their escapade in detention after they both were caught buying cafeteria food without an ID. Under the watchful eye of Ms. Hurdler, Sun played games on the computer and did not get caught. Sources say that they have been collaborating on the senior pranks all year and plan on one last prank. “We were going to buy 3 pigs numbered 1, 2, and 4 and set them loose in the school, but the pigs we bought never came with a number on their backs,” Sun reflects. “This was the most original idea I have ever come up with and no one in my school had ever heard about it.” As school deans are cracking down on the culprits, Muffen takes his time to make a life-size replica of Tim Tebow and stick him inside the sponge cake.

The sponge cake is a culmination of all the time the juniors did not spend studying for the Prairie State ACT with no writing. And to all those expectant sophomores out there, Muffen says “Don’t worry, when we are finished eating our cake, you can pick up the scraps off the floor and make doughnut holes.”

The most scandalous part of the T-Shirt is found on the back, which says “13MOC” instead of “BMOC.” This blatantly breaks school code of not using 1337 (Leet) when making senior shirts. In homeroom discussions, teachers adamantly defend the used of 1337-speak. “I think it is quite clever that the shirt utilizes a ‘one’ and a ‘three’ instead of a ‘B,’” says English teacher Tara Woodridge, “It is nice to see students think originally and critically about the fallacies of society.” While some students spent this time pondering over the “fallacies of society” on their poorly hidden iPhones, Senior Link Meek is bothered by his teacher’s opinion. “Does she not know how offensive this is to women? BMOC means Big Man on Campus and now no one knows that thanks to the 13.” Meek thinks that this shirt becomes misleading as some people might believe that their school has only 13 men on campus. “At no points does this controversial shirt acknowledge the woman on campus or off campus!” Meek cries.

This discussion found its way into most science and math classrooms, wasting valuable time that would have been spent reviewing actual material for the final. One science teacher, Jack Portland, told The Flipside, “Yeah, the shirt doesn’t bother me at all, but it was great not having to talk about stupid photosynthesis anymore. You can only spend so much time talking about plants.”

Despite what controversy has enthralled DHS, at least we can all find comfort in the fact that our next homeroom discussions aren’t for another three or more months.

We run an underground, bimonthly satirical newspaper at a well-known suburban North Shore high school. We worked hard all year not to step on anybody’s toes, but recently, people have begun to take offense at some of the things we have written. How can we be sure that our jokes appeal to the entire student body?

Sincerely,

The SideFlip Staff

Dear SideFlip Staff,

“If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen”-Harry S. Truman

Strange, offensive words from a man responsible for the largest fireballs in modern warfare. To paraphrase another man responsible for unspeakable atrocities, The Eagles’ Glenn Frey, “the heat is on”, Flipside. It is on the streets and, currently, squarely on you. Speaking of heat, it warms my carbonite-frozen heart to know that when you think of offending large numbers of people, I’m apparently your go-to guy. Aside from injustice, Mordor and GreatClips, political correctness is my greatest foe. I hearken back to the words of the late, celebrated filth-merchant (and narrator of Thomas the Tank Engine), George Carlin and his infamous 1972 “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television” honk. In an act of homage (and sheer laziness), I offer the Seven Words You Should Never Use In The Flipside:

1) Bromance - This term is highly offensive to young, white, upper-middle class males with ties to collegiate fraternities. Theirs is a history fraught with oppression and disenfranchisement. Their inappropriately loud and slurred voices must be heard.

2) Die - Never say die. NEVER SAY DIE, MAGGOT! Now drop and give me 110%! Blast those quads!

3) Titular Archbishopric – Why denigrate those whose place in the religious firmament is in name only?

4) Boff! – Along with Sock! and Zlamm!, these otherwise innocuous or nonsensical words become highly offensive when placed within the borders of a brightly colored word balloon and spliced adjacent to mid-1960’s footage of Batman’s enemies. It condones a legacy of violence.

5) Swede – The Torstenson War of 1643 must, nay, WILL be avenged! Sound the narwhal horn! Tomorrow we ride on Palmberg!

6) Nickelback – I know. A wider, easier target has not existed since the NBA stopped using peach baskets. That said, I hold these offensive, ham-fisted hacks in direct violation of the Canadian Arena-Rock Quality Assurance Act of 1974 (previously known as the Lee-Lifeson-Peart Pact).

7) Pneumonoutramicroscopicsiliovolcanoniosis- Because Flipside ink is neither free nor does it grow on trees. Flipside ink is made of people.  It’s made of people!

Now that’s offensive.

“I can’t believe students are actually buying it,” said history teacher Larry Tomer. “I mean, it’s great that kids are getting a learning opportunity out of this. Learning is definitely the first priority….but it’s also pretty great that I get to go take a steam and a nap in between my 4th and 5th periods.”

The doors to these rooms will be sealed with maximum-security locks to ensure that no students can enter, and new ventilation systems will be installed that somehow produce the perfect balance between the Q-Hall heat and the X-Hall air conditioning.

Surprisingly, the students that have learned of these room remodelings are not too happy. Junior WERCS tutor Marley Victor is “totally P.O.ed” at the administration. “I just can’t believe it. I’ve eaten every single lunch this year in the WERCS, and I know that I will not be getting my daily intellectual conversations in the lunchroom.” However, senior Sam Thompson’s response to the news was, “who cares? I’ll be 246 miles away from this school in four months.”

Little do students know, this isn’t the first thing the administration has slipped passed the students. Remember the referendum that didn’t pass? Prepare to see a lot more Ferraris in the parking lot next year.

Terry Gillsman, a school nurse and therefore an expert in all fields of maladies detectable with a basic thermometer, told the Filpside why this is such a cause for concern: “Senioritis, like chickenpox, is a disease which can have dramatically different effects on victims of different ages. Among second semester seniors, it is relatively harmless because they have usually built up immunity to high school grades by being accepted into college. But for underclassmen, it can destroy their school life, critically impacting the GPA and transcript, sometimes lethally so.”

The disease is highly contagious; it can spread within a social group in a matter of minutes. Much like the flu, it is most often carried on the air along with words like “why are you doing that essay, you already got into college.” Because of this, many cases have been quarantined in an effort to prevent the disease from spreading further.

Max Bunch, a junior diagnosed with Senioritis earlier this month, told reporters from within a plastic bubble, “honestly, I don’t really care. I mean, it’s just high school. I’m too busy to do schoolwork anyway.” Max proceeded to finish the campaign mode of Call of Duty for the twelfth time that day.

With the disease on the rise, doctors are urging preventative action. It is recommended that students do their homework regularly and constantly stress about the future: college, career, anything to prevent the disease from taking root. Wash your hands of all thoughts of a social life regularly and cover your mouth when you complain about teachers assigning unfair amounts of work; realize that it’s for your own good.

The path to the now null 37 was not easy; Cohr had a very unorthodox schedule for preparing for his ACT test. He does something called “studying.” Cohr says “Studying is this thing where I look on Wikipedia to learn everything.” This practice has been taken up by other people who are currently in the 36 Club—DHS students everyone likes. In addition to studying, Cohr uses a “correctly dosed” “prescription” of Adderall as “stated” by his “doctor.” Cohr gave us this statement when responding to the possible illegality of the drug, “This drug isn’t, OMG a butterfly. Oh wait, it’s just Chuck Testa.” In addition to the Adderall, Cohr gets an additional three hours of time to finish the test because he is “unable to focus.” Just like in the real world, people like Cohr get extended deadlines and tax breaks because they suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder. A surprising 20% of DHS suffers from ADD, while the national average at high schools is only 3%. Cohr attributes the fact to “those super boring Shakespeare books we read in class. We all just SparkNotes it when we go home, anyway.”

Cohr clearly worked very hard for his 37, and everyone was sorely disappointed when they heard it wouldn’t count. “Sucks for him,” said fellow junior Louis Mills, who then began a rant about why he should get extended time too because he thinks he’s allergic to Scantrons.

Although the much adored 36 Club sits atop the social pyramid at DHS, the co-vice president’s executive assistant Jacqueline Poussin of the “extras” committee, has a positive outlook on her college prospects. “I might have only gotten a 28 on my ACT, but I’ll just make it up with new extra-curricular clubs.” She recently created “The 99% (of the school that is the top 1% of the country club), which meets every other leap year if the groundhog sees its shadow. Such prestigious clubs are backed by the Athletics Department where creativity can flourish and numbers aren’t everything. Wilson University disagrees. Head of Admissions, Dr. Jack Mehoff, issued a statement saying, “If numbers aren’t everything, someone would have Tweeted it.”