DEERFIELD, IL-To our dedicated readers, we are very apologetic about the long hiatus. Our main reporters got caught up in all of the hoopla over there in Iraq and then we all became such good friends with the Shiites and Sunnis that we just couldn’t leave.

We only planned to stay through December, and we thought we would get an issue out then, but then things just started to pile up: We had to do this war stuff, PR meetings, interviews, and the like.

We thought that the big guy back home would set pull out dates or something, but he just kept going and it got to a point where we didn’t know what we were doing there, and it became very difficult to write articles.

Fortunately, we are back now with a bang. Sorry we could only get out a digest, but you know how it is. Unfortunately we missed a lot of great news and politics like Obama,Hillary and all those guys. We missed School Chest, we missed Winter Break, we missed Spring Break, and we missed finals.

But we are back now, and we are going to get right to it. We got lucky that we tore a ligament and had to be “called out of duty” cause who knows how much longer we would have been there?

“These kids have not been hearing the real story,” claims D.A.R.E. President Shelley Weisbard, who led the study. “All this time they have been hearing how a life of drugs and alcohol will lead them down the wrong path, but even with this startling information, many of them end up doing it anyways. The reasons behind this have baffled us for years, but we finally realized why this phenomenon continues. They understood that drugs were bad but they were unsure of the extent of how bad they were. The answer my friends, is that they are very, very bad.”

This unprecedented conclusion is mystifying contributors to the D.A.R.E. program who wonder why they didn’t think of this all along.

“I can’t believe this wasn’t determined a long time ago. Words are powerful. If I merely told you that my famous eggs were good, this information might not make a difference to you. However, if I told you that they were very, very good, I would think one would take more of an interest and would consequently make you want to try my eggs,” says Honorary Officer Jim Chuck, who has taught for the D.A.R.E. program for nearly twenty years. “This is the approach that we have taken in our study and subsequent upgrade: People understand the importance or severity of something when it is repeated twice and italicized the second time.”

D.A.R.E. representatives have indicated that they refuse to sugarcoat the issues. “We’re not going to lie to you about how bad they are. Beer is bad, it really is. Heroin is also very, very bad. Cocaine is so, so, so, so bad. These are actual facts that must be addressed and explained until full understanding has occurred” says Chuck. “So when your child goes to one of those toga parties that they do these days, the emphasize on badness will get through to him.”

But no! You tell me that the character of Vladimir is showing the struggle of a righteous man caught in the corrupt world of government and sin, and this too is an allegory for how we struggle to find our inner self.

No, I say! The story of Vladimir was at most a surface level narrative. His journey to the supermarket to purchase peanuts was solely that. There was no deeper meaning here. The story meant what it said. You critics extract things that are not there and clearly this was not the purpose of the story!

It is offensive the way with which you contort the meaning of my story. I had crafted a beautiful piece of literature but the meanings you derive are absolutely wrong. There is no way that you could have said Regina was a character whose absolute evil was really her way of showing her love of foreign religion. This cannot be! Regina was a toddler who liked to draw with crayons and there is no way you can interpret my story as thus.

Please, I say, do not work your ways on my story. If I say the word yellow you interpret it to mean blue, or maybe war, or maybe peace, and probably two of you will say that it was about the journey of life. Stop right here, I say. Take my story for what it is because that is what it is.

I hate it when you people tell me the glass is half full. As if you would know! You don’t even have the foggiest idea. Who do you think has been staring at the glass longer? (This question is rhetorical.)

The answer is that I have, and I know whether or not it is half full or half empty, and I tell you it is half empty. Pretty soon you are going to start telling me how things are ‘looking good’ and how my business is ‘on the up-and-up.’

But those are lies. These are all lies. Things are looking terrible and right now I’m unemployed. Don’t go now and tell me I have a ‘good attitude’ either. The glass if half empty and it always will be.

Not only is the glass of water half empty, it is probably contaminated as well. With sanitary conditions as they are today, you wouldn’t find me within a mile of that cup. It probably has fourteen types of E. coli and fifteen types of Ebola in there. This is not even a question! It is half empty and anyone that tells you otherwise is a liar and a cheat.

Just look at it. It seems rather evident to me. There is water in that glass. I’m going to tell it straight to you. I’m not going to beat around the bush; I am just going to be honest. I am not going to sugar coat it
with sugar. I am going to get straight to the point. There is water in there. That is pure H2O in that glass. I am not going to make folly and place a volume on the liquid in relation to container. I will not tell you that it is one third empty or two fifths full because either of those would be inaccurate if you take into account the evaporation that is occurring as we speak. I will just tell you that water it is there.

I will go even farther than that to tell you that there is water. I will tell you there is a cup. I will tell you the water is in the cup and that it is on the table. Now sit and ponder that. I will give you my guarantee that there is water in the glass, and if someone questions you, just tell them: “Jonathon Cortaux said so.”