BAYTOWN, NJ – As Frank O’Solly sat in his basement playing Halo on Xbox for the eleventh straight hour, his mother came down and turned on the news channel.

The local ABC news for the area was detailing the extreme raise in gasoline prices and how it had to do with the increase demand and those annoying guys in Saudi Arabia.

That gave the little mischievous Frank a great idea of his own.

Those who were watching him said he ran out of his house into the middle of his street and announced to the world, “I’m going to make my own oil!”

He then ran in his lab and was there for three consecutive weeks before his dad knocked and the door and broke the news to him.

“Son, you just can’t make your own oil.”

After that Frank ran away to California where he started his own restaurant.

In light of recent events and pop culture influences, the United States Congress has changed its national anthem to the ever-popular jabberwocky that is “Holla Back Girl.”

Congressional spokesperson, Renard Langert, spoke of the change. “We feel as if it is very important that when the young persons of this American country recite their national anthem, they feel the effervescent need to remove their shirts, twist it around their heads, spin it like a helicopter, and shake their tailfeathers.”

Even though the current national anthem may be a little lackluster, is it really necessary to change it to a song that has taken the nation by storm?

The Pop Culture Department of Love spokesman, Quentory Stillwater said this: “Speaking personally, I love this decision. It is very befitting of this nation. ‘I ain’t no holla back girl’ really represents the liberty of this society as a whole. Because if you really think about it, aren’t we all ‘Holla back girls’”? No, not really.

Stillwater said that this country truly has “a few times been around that track. Our national anthem has been a little bit mundane, and after Congress refused to change it to ‘The World’s Greatest’, this was the next best choice.”

A controversial decision? Yes. Shocking? Maybe. Profound? Indubitably.

It was a dark and stormy night. The pitter-patter of rain on the windowsill reminded the young stable boy how much work could be done if only it wasn’t raining. He sat in the stable, as many stable boys do, and looked upon his most faithful of steeds.

This is not the story of a stable boy.

This last weekend at the local Chili’s Bar and Grill, a seemingly average family entered the confines of the restaurant in search of a home-cooked meal. But all was not as plain and simple as it seemed. For as the family was to be taken to there seats, the eldest 14 year old son noticed a trend that was strikingly familiar.

“They did it again mom, they gave me that stupid children’s menu again,” said Bernie Borgenstein to the dismay of his family and other people in the restaurant. “Every time they do this, it’s like they think I’m not mature enough for the big boy menus. At this rate, I’m never going to get a girlfriend.”

At receiving the childrens menu he turned a bright scarlet in the cheeks and made all efforts to switch seats. He then threw a temper tantrum like a 7 year old.

“I was actually quite appalled by my son’s behavior that evening, I usually don’t allow the word stupid to be used in my house. From the looks of that temper tantrum, he probably should have gotten that kids menu!” declared Marlene, the boy’s embarrassed mother.

“He really was creating quite a scene,” busboy Chuck Sanderwagon said.

However, this wasn’t the first time this has happened to Bernie. His short stature and cliché Jewish name has caused him to receive endless turmoil from his peers, teachers, family members, and assorted elected local officials.

Friends would be among that list if he had them, which to numerous reports he doesn’t. When asked about the friends he doesn’t have, young Bernie replied, “I don’t do friends.”

“I just thought he might want something to play with, he seemed like one of the lonely sorts of people that come every Tuesday night for Bingo and sample Chili’s cheeses,” said hostess Victoria Buckingham, “I mean who doesn’t love crayons!”

When asked about the state of Chili’s after the event, busboy Chuck Sanderwagon was quoted saying, “I wish not to be quoted.”

CHEYENNE, WY—After what seemed to be a larger than life, but still expected, 15 minutes of fame, Latin music mogul Ricky Martin found himself atop the world.

“You cannot believe how good it feels to be here right now. I mean, to think that a couple months ago I was just some very good-looking soap opera star and now I’ve come to this…doing virtually the same thing” Martin allegedly said in a 1999 press conference.

But Martin’s good looks, and gung-ho personality have not taken him to the promised land of perpetual riches, friends and even baked goods.

The 26-year old Martin decided to take what he called “a little catnap”. But what appeared to be a minor disappearance from the limelight such as those of the Baha Men, those who wrote the Macarena, and Molly Ringwald, eventually turned into a catastrophic vanishing of the Latin Lover.

After fading away from Hollywood in late 1999, it came into hindsight that Ricky Martin had sank to the bottom of Davey John’s Lock.

Until just recently, almost everyone had believed that Ricky Martin had completely fallen off the face of the planet, or perhaps even perished. On 7/19/05, archeologist JoJo McHenry, a fiery young bloke from Murray State University was exploring a Wyoming cave, just miles north of Yellowstone national park.

What he found was unfathomable.

He found the Hispanic hip-hopper lying curled up in a ball in the corner of a cave now called Barakamatu Mountain. He was listening to the Macarena by Los Del Rio on repeat and it appears as if he has been doing so for the last five years.

Others who have listened to the Macarena for years straight include anybody who ever listened to music in the mid-late 90’s. It appears as if Ricky Martin is just one of us again. Just living in a cave.

DEERFIELD- All right everyone, I’ve been going to school for all this time and I have a big question for all of you. What’s up with all of this homework?

Seriously, we go to school for school for almost seven hours five days a week for the whole year. Do you know ho much time that is? Let me give you an idea. Its 6,552,349 seconds. Per year. That means over 85 billion seconds of time spent in school. And they still need extra time to give you homework! Isn’t 85 billion seconds enough?

We need to develop a more efficient system if you can’t finish all the work in 85 billion seconds.

Homework is outrageous! Many esteemed firms have published scientific studies on the detrimental effects homework has on the students over physical, mental, social, and spiritual wellness.

For example, the well-known Department of Health just published a study revealing the negative nature of homework. I’m not making it up! Look below!

Also a sample test was conducted on a student to see the first hand effects of the dreadful homework.

Text Box: BEFORE AND AFTER HOMEWORK A picture of the specific Ronny Gray at age three before being corrupted by homework. Just ten years later, Ronny had aged and gotten this new homework. Look what it did to him!

Look! It’s proven. Homework increases wrinkles. You think I’m making it up? I’m not making it up! Look below!

All right, I cannot stand you stubborn people with all of your homework. You know what else? Homework increases your chances of attracting the chicken pox. Why do u think everyone gets the chicken pox? It’s because they all get homework!

We even talked about it in health! Homework is unhealthy! It’s true. So just stop with all this nonsense and get rid of homework.

Seriously, there has to be a better way to do this! You could just teach it all in class and that way it would ensure that people paid attention. Because if everythign depends on what happens in school, people are bound to care.

It’s all true. So let’s hop to it and get rid of this bad, cruel, unnecessary, corrput homework institution.

Recently, I have been asked about super heroes, or more specifically, super powers. What super power is the greatest super power of all? Well, as an M.D. in super hero affairs, I have come to learn that super powers are a very delicate thing and must accent the way you will use them.

If one could have any super power that he would save the world with, it would definitely be immortality. The tricky thing about super powers is to get combinations correct. Being tortured for all of eternity by evildoers can come with immortality and therefore, it must be paired with invincibility.

With the knowledge that one cannot feel physical pain and cannot die, courage is not in absence. Fighting will be easy because you can never get tired, and because you never get hurt, getting old comes in only age, not appearance.

For those of us that just want super powers for the fun of it or because we are lazy, the perfect power would be teleportation paired with invisibility.

Invisibility is a very touchy subject in the super world. For one thing, would ones clothes become invisible with the person who occupies them? Would you be able to walk through walls and furniture? Would dogs still be able to see you? Could you still make noise? All of these questions need to be answered when picking the perfect strength of invisibility. Personally, I would say that clothes and anything (or anyone) that touches the person that is going invisible, while he is going invisible, should go invisible with him or her. Any solid could be walked through and no dog would be the wiser.

Teleportation is another story. There is only one big question that needs to be answered before choosing this power; do you have to see the place before you teleport to it? The answerer is yes. If one wants to teleport to Quebec to pet a Mounty, then he just can’t think the word Quebec, he might either land on an almanac under the Canada section, or in the blistering cold of the French section of Canada. He could end up anywhere in the entire province. This is not good. POOF! To the fridge for a soda! The more specific, the better.

Super powers are a touchy subject and when choosing one, one can miss a detail so important that his life might be ruined. So heed this warning, before conducting any crime fighting, with or without super powers, please do some research on the subject first and ask you doctor.

Common mistakes made by Super Heroes-

· Don’t combine the ability to make water and to make fire because then you’d end up with some weird name like “Steam Boy,” or “Mr. Mist.”

· Flying is not all that it is cut out to be. When above the clouds, the sun it hot. Not to mention the bugs flying in your nose, mouth, and eyes. Also, try breathing in that high of altitude.

· Don’t combine the ability to control animals and ability to become any animal. If you get caught under your own spell… disaster.

· Reading minds is fun until you learn something you don’t want to know, “It’s a good thing he doesn’t know I’m not his real father.”

· Time travel is always disastrous

· If you have a super name starting with “doctor” or, “the ultimate,” you are setting yourself up to be a villain

· Morbid obesity is not fun

· Running at the speed of light is tiring work

· Being a karate master does not go far in this age of technology

· Controlling weather is a horrible power due the fact that the enemy can see where you’ve been and where you are going by switching to the Weather Channel.

Stupid powers-

· Being able to create beer

· Turning into water

· Sumo wrestling ability

· Virus controller

· Spontaneous combustion (”Mr. President, the world could be saved by…”

BOOM)

· Honestly, when will X-ray vision come in handy?

· Controlling vegetation (”Grow Cucumber!”)

· Breathing fire started the rule of no kissing on the first date

· Spasms

· Ability to speak in rhyme

· Ability to taste and identify all mustards

· Ability to talk to animals (squirrels are so chatty)

· Knowing all prime numbers

· Knowing the recipe for the perfect lemonade

So for all of you who are planning on becoming a super hero soon I advise you to beware, and eat your green vegetables.

STUDENT UNION-Hopes were up with a cycle 34 day lingering in the near future. But, little did we know that controversy would break out in the serene “Student Union.”

A game was being played in tournament format with all three essentials. Rock-Paper-Scissors. Fierce and mighty competitor Johnathan Woodson was cleaning out the field of 16 contenders all competing for the right to be declared “Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion,” and a plaque in the Student Union.

With referees Peter Cullins and Bob Jamison closely eyeing the players, there was clearly no cheating going on, or at least we thought so.

With the semifinals coming to a closure, the competitive attitude was too much for defending champ Yoky Flanders to handle.

We had our final. A classic duo. David vs. Goliath, Ali vs. Frazier and now Woodson vs. Gunnersberg.

In a series best of 5, the score was at a deadlock 2-2. Hearts would be broken and careers would be made. No matter what happend, both of their lives were going to change forever.

Woodson chose rock, and Gunnersberg, choose the reliable paper (picture above). Woodson was petrified. Gunnersberg jumped in victory and pumped his fist through the air like he just dont care.

But, it appeared Gunnersberg had released his paper split seconds after Woodson had released the daring rock. Bob Jamison reviewed the tape and it was clear that he did make his decision too late. A decision that has changed his life.

This scandal will go down as one of the biggest in Deerfield High School Township history along with the time Randolph lost his essay in the library. And to this moment, may Jon Woodson’s plaque lay in the Student Union with pride.

-Colonel Repture(Staff Writer)

DEERFIELD, IL- We all thought that those student council guys were good people. But just yesterday they proved us all wrong.

President of the Student Council Emailing Committee, David Zwick, recently confessed that the only reason anyone does Student Council is for the free breakfast.

When we asked young Rob Canter why he did student council his response just backed up the long suspected truth. “You have no idea how good those pancakes are.”

A rumor was that the student council members were able to work harder on a full stomach. Any confirmations of that report are yet to be found.

So if you see any of them in the hallways roaming the corridor smelling extra like syrup just look at them and say, “We figured it out. Everyone knows you’re only in it for the free food.”

SOMEHWHERE IN GREENLAND- The seller Tami Redvan really didn’t think anyone would buy her igneous rock. Thats why she put it up on Ebay. If you asked anyone else in the world, they probably would have said the same thing too. I mean, come on, who would buy an igneous rock, let alone an igneous rock for more than $10?

Jeff Wobberman obviously wanted it. He wanted it 3.2 million dollars bad.

We asked him what prompted this buy. He replied, “Well I’ve loved rocks since I can remember.”

We asked his parents if there was any truth to this. Mother Marie Wobberman confirmed this. “The first word he ever said was igneous. Not mama or dada.” And then she burst into tears.

Jeff Wobberman later told us how huge of a rock fanatic he is. “I mean I have every type of igneous rock that they ever made. If you want to talk about it my screen name is iluvrocks0304 and my website is www.iamtherockdudemansheeba.com. Its all there.”

This comment would not seem to outrage many people, had it not been that she is sixty-five years old and her son, Abe Rosensteinbergbaum is currently forty-one years of age.

When recently interviewed by The Flipside, Edith claimed, “Oh, I can’t help it. It’s just so cute!”

What was the theme, we asked. “Well, he was always a big fan of safari and other wild animals. He had pictures of lions, gnats, armadillos, giraffes, and of course, the wallaby, all hanging in his room. So at the party, each table was a different animal. Isn’t that adorable!” she clamored.

Yes, Edith. Yes.

How has this affected her son, Abe’s life? Well, Abe is currently paying off his student loans and living in a trailer eating Lucky Charms® out of the box (with skim milk). He spends most of his time in a biker-bar in southwest New Mexico. So, to be honest, it hasn’t affected him whatsoever.

This claim by his mother though, has allowed him to keep his status quo of the town, maintaining homeostasis throughout his long-lasting and insightful career as a mere man of business.

Sal Holds